I have, stupidly perhaps, agreed to do this TV thing with my best friend Helen. It's called "Deck Diners" and gets shown on UK Living. It's a bit like Street Date, but involves cooking and a boat! We're filming it the Monday after next in Brighton and I am really anxious about it!
Basically I cook a meal with a top chef (I have been told his name but it escapes me right now) on the yacht, while Helen goes into town and cruises to find me a date to eat the meal I am preparing with. Then she comes back, we swop, she makes desert with the chef, while I find her a date.
Now I'm not so worried about Helen choosing me a date because she knows that I just go for looks as opposed to anything barely resembling a personality (not entirely true). I am worried because I really don't think I have any idea what type of guy that Helen goes for, which is appalling really. As I have said, she IS my best friend and I have known her for getting on for 15 years - and I have no idea really of the type of guy that she goes for. I think I would have had a better idea when we were both students. She would have gone for someone like Stu on Big Brother.
Mmmm...Stu from Big Brother...
Anyway...
I am really nervous that she will choose someone really handsome and lovely and that I will pick her a city wanker who'll she end up having dinner with and really hate. And then she'll hate me! Oh dear.
I'm also really worried that the microphones they put on us will pick up my heavy breathing Darth Vadar like throat issue.
Sorry, what did you say? You want to know what I am doing this weekend? Well, let me tell you...I am going to Swansea to stay with Vix's brother and sit in his hot tub all weekend swigging beer! Yum!
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
I want to be a Daddy
So last night I went with my work colleague Alison to Clare's house for dinner - another person I used to work with before she went on maternity leave to have her baby.
The baby, Charlie, was beautiful. I held him a couple of times while his Mum, Clare, made us supper. It made me come over all paternal, especially as he was so sleepy and kept resting his head on my chest! Cuteness personified! Until he puked up.
It's the thing that I've wanted more than anything in my life - to be a Dad. I even have names picked - Ethan for a boy, Elizabeth for a girl. Although for very obvious reasons it is unlikely that this dream will ever come true. I don't really know any lesbians or single female friends who would be willing to put up with me as father of their children. But I think that I would make a good dad. I think I have a good grasp of the things that are important in life. I think though that I would want to be in a relationship though, before taking on such an important role.
Anyway - it's all a bit of daydreaming really. It's nice to pick up someone else's baby, but having one to look after around the clock has got to be something different altogether.
The baby, Charlie, was beautiful. I held him a couple of times while his Mum, Clare, made us supper. It made me come over all paternal, especially as he was so sleepy and kept resting his head on my chest! Cuteness personified! Until he puked up.
It's the thing that I've wanted more than anything in my life - to be a Dad. I even have names picked - Ethan for a boy, Elizabeth for a girl. Although for very obvious reasons it is unlikely that this dream will ever come true. I don't really know any lesbians or single female friends who would be willing to put up with me as father of their children. But I think that I would make a good dad. I think I have a good grasp of the things that are important in life. I think though that I would want to be in a relationship though, before taking on such an important role.
Anyway - it's all a bit of daydreaming really. It's nice to pick up someone else's baby, but having one to look after around the clock has got to be something different altogether.
Monday, July 26, 2004
Because I grew up there I tend to be a bit flippant about my home town of Bath. But taking other people there always reinvigorated my passion for the small city.
This weekend I took Drew back for a relaxed weekend. And a relaxed weekend we had indeed. It was nice to see Mum and grandparents and my friend Jon, all of whom went to the trouble to cook and make us very welcome.
Friday I made the mistake of forgetting the all important proof of address, so that I couldn't hire the rental car until I had spent £50 on a round trip back to Clapham South to get it. Very annoying, but not unlike me in so many ways. I read the rental agreement I thought, but apparently not well enough.
Anyway - eventually got to Bath at around 10.30pm! Mum had made us supper which was well received despite our sneaking in a crafty snack at Fleet service stations. After supper we went to bed, but I managed to keep Drew awake with my snoring for most of the night!
Saturday the two of us went into Bath for drinks and shopping. I was on the look out for a very fetching pair of pink Converse trainers, but unfortunately Bath is too conservative to have such footwear. So I had to make do with spending my money on barbecue implements for my mother.
Saturday night we had a barbecue at Mum's house, with my godparents and Mum's latest fling - some short guy who looks like Sean Connery. Turns out that the guy had bought Mum "gifts" and presented them to her before she gave him the "I don't think that this is going to work" speech. Poor guy! Turns out he was just a little too short!
Then Sunday was spent sleeping in till late before going to Grandma's and Grandpa's for tea and cake, before driving to Marlborough to have late lunch / early supper with my friends Jon and James. Had a fun afternoon throwing balls for their dog Moschi. I still have the scratch marks up my arms.
The drive back to London was not very eventful, except for the traffic. Was in a jam practically from Reading right the way into London. Drew kept me insane by reciting well known show tunes, as the iPod died around the Hungerford area.
Anyway - missed the drop off appointment for the car, so while I had a relaxed time over the weekend, I had to get up early to get the car back and get to work on time.
This weekend I took Drew back for a relaxed weekend. And a relaxed weekend we had indeed. It was nice to see Mum and grandparents and my friend Jon, all of whom went to the trouble to cook and make us very welcome.
Friday I made the mistake of forgetting the all important proof of address, so that I couldn't hire the rental car until I had spent £50 on a round trip back to Clapham South to get it. Very annoying, but not unlike me in so many ways. I read the rental agreement I thought, but apparently not well enough.
Anyway - eventually got to Bath at around 10.30pm! Mum had made us supper which was well received despite our sneaking in a crafty snack at Fleet service stations. After supper we went to bed, but I managed to keep Drew awake with my snoring for most of the night!
Saturday the two of us went into Bath for drinks and shopping. I was on the look out for a very fetching pair of pink Converse trainers, but unfortunately Bath is too conservative to have such footwear. So I had to make do with spending my money on barbecue implements for my mother.
Saturday night we had a barbecue at Mum's house, with my godparents and Mum's latest fling - some short guy who looks like Sean Connery. Turns out that the guy had bought Mum "gifts" and presented them to her before she gave him the "I don't think that this is going to work" speech. Poor guy! Turns out he was just a little too short!
Then Sunday was spent sleeping in till late before going to Grandma's and Grandpa's for tea and cake, before driving to Marlborough to have late lunch / early supper with my friends Jon and James. Had a fun afternoon throwing balls for their dog Moschi. I still have the scratch marks up my arms.
The drive back to London was not very eventful, except for the traffic. Was in a jam practically from Reading right the way into London. Drew kept me insane by reciting well known show tunes, as the iPod died around the Hungerford area.
Anyway - missed the drop off appointment for the car, so while I had a relaxed time over the weekend, I had to get up early to get the car back and get to work on time.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Beautiful Bath
Me and me buddy Drew are driving down to my home town of Bath this evening for a nice relaxed kick back. Mum is making a lovely cheesy pasta dish and I'm sure the dogs will try to eat it from our laps.
Home sweet home!
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Surgery
So I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon. Got there one hour before my appointment thinking that I would beat them at their own game, but still I was waiting for over an hour and a half before I actually got seen by this very nice, but very nervous Swedish doctor called Ilka. When I convulsed into coughing fits when she squirted Thorocaine, or something like that, up my nose she nearly recoiled across the room.
So anyway - anyone who knows me is aware that I am about at the end of my tether with regards to my throat. I mean I can't do anything that requires any exersion lest I collapse with breathlessness. I will do almost anything to get past this hurdle, with the exception of quitting smoking.
I basically have three options:
1) leave everything and let it get better by itself (which will take time)
2) have some kind of laser surgery where they laser away part of my vocal chord, leaving me with a permanently husky voice (not so bad)
3) have a tracheotomy
The third option is really upsetting to me...I mean there is no way on EARTH, that I am having a frikkin hole drilled into my windpipe! Now I know the hole wouldn't be there forever, but the frikkin scar would be and I would have people always asking me why I have a huge scar on my throat. And I am getting really irritated with the doctors when they keep highlighting this as an option, especially when my answer is always a distinct and rabid "NO! NO WAY! NOT EVER!" Argh! It puts the fear of god in me.
Anyway - the outcome was that my vocal chords have got better enough for the doctors to sway in favor of the "lets just wait and see." This means that I have to go back for another consult in November when they can see what a difference four months can make. Hmm. I guess cutting out smoking would help after all.
After the hospital I came back to work to discover that there had been a power cut and that we could go home early. So went home, hired a DVD (Cold Creek Manor with Sharon Stone), watched it and fell asleep on the sofa. Missed Chicken Stu and Michelle shagging on Big Brother. Damn.
So anyway - anyone who knows me is aware that I am about at the end of my tether with regards to my throat. I mean I can't do anything that requires any exersion lest I collapse with breathlessness. I will do almost anything to get past this hurdle, with the exception of quitting smoking.
I basically have three options:
1) leave everything and let it get better by itself (which will take time)
2) have some kind of laser surgery where they laser away part of my vocal chord, leaving me with a permanently husky voice (not so bad)
3) have a tracheotomy
The third option is really upsetting to me...I mean there is no way on EARTH, that I am having a frikkin hole drilled into my windpipe! Now I know the hole wouldn't be there forever, but the frikkin scar would be and I would have people always asking me why I have a huge scar on my throat. And I am getting really irritated with the doctors when they keep highlighting this as an option, especially when my answer is always a distinct and rabid "NO! NO WAY! NOT EVER!" Argh! It puts the fear of god in me.
Anyway - the outcome was that my vocal chords have got better enough for the doctors to sway in favor of the "lets just wait and see." This means that I have to go back for another consult in November when they can see what a difference four months can make. Hmm. I guess cutting out smoking would help after all.
After the hospital I came back to work to discover that there had been a power cut and that we could go home early. So went home, hired a DVD (Cold Creek Manor with Sharon Stone), watched it and fell asleep on the sofa. Missed Chicken Stu and Michelle shagging on Big Brother. Damn.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
My throat
So this afternoon I am going back to the specialist at Guy's to have my throat re-examined. As most of you know, I have been sounding somewhat like Darth Vadar for the past four months and I am just about sick of it. I tried running at the gym a few weeks ago and nearly keeled over with breathlessness!!!
It's actually really unpleasant. They stick this camera thing (endoscope?) up my nose and then down so that they can see my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt exactly...it's just a really uncomfortable experience.
Hopefully they will be able to do something about it without the need to operate, but somehow I doubt it. I KNOW that part of the reason it's not getting better is because I have not given up smoking (which they told me to do), but they just don't get how hard it is! You see I have tried everything apart from hypnotherapy. Nothing works! Besides, I am not in a place where I feel like I can give up smoking at the moment.
Please god! I just want to be able to change my voicemail message each morning without having to gasp for breath!!!
It's actually really unpleasant. They stick this camera thing (endoscope?) up my nose and then down so that they can see my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt exactly...it's just a really uncomfortable experience.
Hopefully they will be able to do something about it without the need to operate, but somehow I doubt it. I KNOW that part of the reason it's not getting better is because I have not given up smoking (which they told me to do), but they just don't get how hard it is! You see I have tried everything apart from hypnotherapy. Nothing works! Besides, I am not in a place where I feel like I can give up smoking at the moment.
Please god! I just want to be able to change my voicemail message each morning without having to gasp for breath!!!
I am very dissapointed to learn that...
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Monday, July 19, 2004
Bottom Feeding TV
I just read that Fox is developing a reality series in which a young woman will try to figure out which of 16 men is actually her father.
Reminds me of Phoebe Cates' fabulous line from TV movie Lace - "Which one of you bitches is my mother?"
The weekend...
...was good and bad in equal measures. Friday night I threw caution to the wind and withdrew £100 and managed to blow it in various stages throughout the night.
Part une was spent at Revolution on Clapham High Street with some work buddies, before moving on to Part Deux, at home, with Lindsay and Vix - and pizza, wine and Big Bro eviction. God riddance Ahmed. I hate the fact that I am addicted to that programme, but hell I am, so I just have to get over it.
Part trois was spent at Fiction. Took me an hour to get there on the Northern Line and then another twenty minutes to get in. Found Drew et al immediately which was good. Proceeded to, er, get off my face and dance the night away. Left at 5am with a bunch of people I had not met before and got driven to a chill out in Crouch End (pronounced "Crew-shond" if you want to pretend that it is posh).
Slept in some strange boys bed until 4.30pm and then left to get back home. Had to take a bus to get to the nearest tube station which I hate, hate, hate doing. I mean, I would never live somewhere where I would have to get a bus to the tube. It's bad enough having to walk ten minutes to the tube, without having the hassle of rushing for the next available seat whenever anyone stands up. The Mirror provided interesting reading (not).
Anyway - a nice evening ensued. Managed to get Vix to agree to watch Kill Bill Vol.1. Had to really twist her arm though, but she agreed in the end and actually really liked it! Which I knew she would. And then drew came round afterwards and we watched it all over again. I think I've seen that movie about ten times now or something ridiculous. And I think I am seeing the follow up tonight, again, for like the fifth time! Anyway - ended up in bed at 3am!
Sunday was spent lying on the sofa feeling a bit sorry for myself. The arse end of the weekend. Watched another movie - In The Cut, with Meg Ryan. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there is a scene where this woman gives a guy a blow job and they actually show it in full detail! A Meg Ryan movie! Shocker!
Another installment of Big Brother - my favourite of the week, because it features the psychologists analysis of the housemates behaviour - before bedtime.
Didn't sleep well last night - too hot and kept thinking about the kind of stuff that can only be described as that of the remnants of a heavy night out. And then had weird dreams where I was picking paint off my bedroom wall. Probably something to do with the Irish Brie I ate during the afternoon.
Part une was spent at Revolution on Clapham High Street with some work buddies, before moving on to Part Deux, at home, with Lindsay and Vix - and pizza, wine and Big Bro eviction. God riddance Ahmed. I hate the fact that I am addicted to that programme, but hell I am, so I just have to get over it.
Part trois was spent at Fiction. Took me an hour to get there on the Northern Line and then another twenty minutes to get in. Found Drew et al immediately which was good. Proceeded to, er, get off my face and dance the night away. Left at 5am with a bunch of people I had not met before and got driven to a chill out in Crouch End (pronounced "Crew-shond" if you want to pretend that it is posh).
Slept in some strange boys bed until 4.30pm and then left to get back home. Had to take a bus to get to the nearest tube station which I hate, hate, hate doing. I mean, I would never live somewhere where I would have to get a bus to the tube. It's bad enough having to walk ten minutes to the tube, without having the hassle of rushing for the next available seat whenever anyone stands up. The Mirror provided interesting reading (not).
Anyway - a nice evening ensued. Managed to get Vix to agree to watch Kill Bill Vol.1. Had to really twist her arm though, but she agreed in the end and actually really liked it! Which I knew she would. And then drew came round afterwards and we watched it all over again. I think I've seen that movie about ten times now or something ridiculous. And I think I am seeing the follow up tonight, again, for like the fifth time! Anyway - ended up in bed at 3am!
Sunday was spent lying on the sofa feeling a bit sorry for myself. The arse end of the weekend. Watched another movie - In The Cut, with Meg Ryan. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there is a scene where this woman gives a guy a blow job and they actually show it in full detail! A Meg Ryan movie! Shocker!
Another installment of Big Brother - my favourite of the week, because it features the psychologists analysis of the housemates behaviour - before bedtime.
Didn't sleep well last night - too hot and kept thinking about the kind of stuff that can only be described as that of the remnants of a heavy night out. And then had weird dreams where I was picking paint off my bedroom wall. Probably something to do with the Irish Brie I ate during the afternoon.
Friday, July 16, 2004
When love comes as a complete surprise...
One summer night in 1995, I went, with my friend Tim, to see a great little film called Before Sunrise, which starred the French actress Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke.
It is the story of an American boy and a French girl and the fourteen hours they spend together in Vienna "Before Sunrise", when they must part company and go back to their own separate lives. It's a really gentle film which is entirely based in dialogue and characterisation. They discuss themselves, life and philosophical ideas in such an organic way that you can just imagine that this is something real that could actually happen to you - not some schmaltzy Hollywood crap.
So anyway - at the end of the movie they say goodbye but rather than staying in touch and ruining the magic that they have created, they make a pact to meet in six months to the day on the same train platform at the same time. And that is where the story ends.
So for the last nine years I have been wondering what happened to them. Did they meet again? Did only one of them turn up? I'm soon to find out because the sequel (Before Sunset) is out next Friday!!! Yippee!
I read an article with Julie Delpy, where she said that herself, Hawke and the director of the sequel and the original, Richard Linklater, were compelled to write the follow up because they felt that a piece of them was missing without that ultimate resolution - did they meet again? There was also a quote from Ethan Hawke which really resonated with me...
"Our life doesn't work in such a clean narrative as most movies do. This makes us think that our lives are boring because our lives and even our relationships don't have a beginning, a middle and an end. It's never as clear as all that. It's so much more amorphous. What we're aspiring to do is capture what it's really like to be alive, to take naturalism to a new, heightened degree."
I guess the reason that this quote got to me, was because it grapples with the idea that we are something so much more than the sum of our parts. What a great idea that we have no beginning, middle and end! That means that life is full of endless possibilities and that anything might happen. It sounds like a cliche, but cliches are cliches because out of all the things that have been said they are the things that have held true.
I've just been talking to my friend Bill about how, after my relationship with Will, that I want to take myself off the shelf for a while. But isn't it in the moments when you're not looking, that life gently taps you on the shoulder and reminds you what it's all about, again? You might think that at 31 years of age this is something that should be plainly obvious to me, but it's easy to lose sight of the real things.
I am going to go out tonight, and I am going to go out without agenda. I am neither available nor unavailable. If I go home alone I am not a failure. If I meet someone cute, I don't have to sleep with them. I can just give them my number.
Because at the end of the day I could just have some fun with my friends and that could be enough. That's about as real as it gets!
It is the story of an American boy and a French girl and the fourteen hours they spend together in Vienna "Before Sunrise", when they must part company and go back to their own separate lives. It's a really gentle film which is entirely based in dialogue and characterisation. They discuss themselves, life and philosophical ideas in such an organic way that you can just imagine that this is something real that could actually happen to you - not some schmaltzy Hollywood crap.
So anyway - at the end of the movie they say goodbye but rather than staying in touch and ruining the magic that they have created, they make a pact to meet in six months to the day on the same train platform at the same time. And that is where the story ends.
So for the last nine years I have been wondering what happened to them. Did they meet again? Did only one of them turn up? I'm soon to find out because the sequel (Before Sunset) is out next Friday!!! Yippee!
I read an article with Julie Delpy, where she said that herself, Hawke and the director of the sequel and the original, Richard Linklater, were compelled to write the follow up because they felt that a piece of them was missing without that ultimate resolution - did they meet again? There was also a quote from Ethan Hawke which really resonated with me...
"Our life doesn't work in such a clean narrative as most movies do. This makes us think that our lives are boring because our lives and even our relationships don't have a beginning, a middle and an end. It's never as clear as all that. It's so much more amorphous. What we're aspiring to do is capture what it's really like to be alive, to take naturalism to a new, heightened degree."
I guess the reason that this quote got to me, was because it grapples with the idea that we are something so much more than the sum of our parts. What a great idea that we have no beginning, middle and end! That means that life is full of endless possibilities and that anything might happen. It sounds like a cliche, but cliches are cliches because out of all the things that have been said they are the things that have held true.
I've just been talking to my friend Bill about how, after my relationship with Will, that I want to take myself off the shelf for a while. But isn't it in the moments when you're not looking, that life gently taps you on the shoulder and reminds you what it's all about, again? You might think that at 31 years of age this is something that should be plainly obvious to me, but it's easy to lose sight of the real things.
I am going to go out tonight, and I am going to go out without agenda. I am neither available nor unavailable. If I go home alone I am not a failure. If I meet someone cute, I don't have to sleep with them. I can just give them my number.
Because at the end of the day I could just have some fun with my friends and that could be enough. That's about as real as it gets!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
The Internet is for Techies and Paedophiles
...or so the saying goes (I think that was a Sarah Michelle Gellar quote from Cruel Intentions).
So in my desperation (actually it was a friend - you know who you are (!) - that bought brought my attention to it, or rather "reminded" me) I have subscribed to Gaydar. Now for those of you who are uninitiated into the murky, lascivious world of gay internet dating, there are two things you should know:
The first is that it is murky.
The second is that it is lascivious.
In the twenty four hours that I have had my profile up on the site I have been "viewed" (at the time of writing this) 153 times. I have been messaged by interested parties fifteen times. Out of those fifteen only one was cute. All the rest were the kind of people who describe themselves as "Abercrombieboy". Your initial instinct is to conjure up a buff Bruce Weber model in ripped cargo pants and nothing else. Disappointment quickly ensues.
Then there are those who seem to be nice enough at first glance, but then on further investigation have dropped the word "fisting" into their list of interests. Er...no thanks.
And then there are the guys who look married (and, no, I am not into that. Married men, who are probably gay, tend to have rather obvious commitment issues) and those that are for want of a better descriptor, gross. We're talking about back hair. Of a length that could be platted.
So twenty four hours later I am thinking that I should unsubscribe. I can't think of anyone who met their life partner on line. I mean there must be some couples out there, but I've never met any. Although if I did I am sure that they probably lie and say that they met on the main dancefloor at Heaven, which let's face it, is SOOO much better!
So in my desperation (actually it was a friend - you know who you are (!) - that bought brought my attention to it, or rather "reminded" me) I have subscribed to Gaydar. Now for those of you who are uninitiated into the murky, lascivious world of gay internet dating, there are two things you should know:
The first is that it is murky.
The second is that it is lascivious.
In the twenty four hours that I have had my profile up on the site I have been "viewed" (at the time of writing this) 153 times. I have been messaged by interested parties fifteen times. Out of those fifteen only one was cute. All the rest were the kind of people who describe themselves as "Abercrombieboy". Your initial instinct is to conjure up a buff Bruce Weber model in ripped cargo pants and nothing else. Disappointment quickly ensues.
Then there are those who seem to be nice enough at first glance, but then on further investigation have dropped the word "fisting" into their list of interests. Er...no thanks.
And then there are the guys who look married (and, no, I am not into that. Married men, who are probably gay, tend to have rather obvious commitment issues) and those that are for want of a better descriptor, gross. We're talking about back hair. Of a length that could be platted.
So twenty four hours later I am thinking that I should unsubscribe. I can't think of anyone who met their life partner on line. I mean there must be some couples out there, but I've never met any. Although if I did I am sure that they probably lie and say that they met on the main dancefloor at Heaven, which let's face it, is SOOO much better!
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Lady M's Pleasure Death
Scene 1
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
What a strange weekend I had. Started off on Friday night with a party thingamijig at the Architects Association in Bedford Square. It was a tented do where you could but bottles of German "champagne" for about £14. So I did. Twice. Proceeded to get extraordinarily drunk and embarrass myself by whispering "Touch pas ma Chat" into the ear of anyone willing to hear.
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
Friday, July 09, 2004
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Big Bother
Tonight my friend Will (I could say ex-boyfriend, but that sounds so horrible) is going to enter the US Big Brother house in Los Angeles. He will be up against seven other men and seven women to win the $500,000 grand prize - if he stays in until the end, at the back end of September.
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Monday, July 05, 2004
Friday, July 02, 2004
Hot Gossip
So the last two jokes that I posted were actually from Popbitch - a down and dirty celebrity gossip bulletin that I get sent every week. It's the kind of stuff that gentile "Heat" readers would balk at - e.g. shots of Dane Bowers having a wank. Nice.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
Another lewd joke!
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly open, holding a steering wheel that's fastened to his cock.
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
Lewd Joke
I'll be back later for a proper entry but I had to first bring attention to this fabulous joke...
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
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