Christopher's Acceptance Speech for the Best Complexion in a Documentary Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was n't blonde enough, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how generous my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap

You know, there are so many obsequious little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the esteemed idiots of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Vishnu, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

Will has the most peculiar sleeping habits:

A) He has to sleep with two "blankies" that he has had since he was a baby. They have never been washed, ever (yet smell strangely clean) and are so thin that you think you could tear them with even the most gentle of a brush. He always takes one with him if he has to leave town, but does it on rotation so that one of the blankies doesn't feel left out.

B) He has to sleep with a huge long pillow between his legs and this pillow is not a pleasant sight. It is kind of brown in colour and features what look like coffee stains. I really hope that's all they are.

C) The air conditioner must be set to noisily pump out cold air (and New York is anything but warm right now!!)

D) A huge fan in the corner on must be turned on full

E) a noise maker in the corner of the room has to be set to white noise (which is admittedly much better than the sea rushing or the sounds of birds chirping in a forest, which are the other noises the machine can make)

With anyone else I would find these things extremely peculiar and would probably have to say "goodbye". But with Will I find them incredibly endearing and it has got to the point where I find all the noise very comforting and can actually sleep right through it (although last night I did take a Xanax and am still feeling a bit doped up even after a very strong cup of coffee).

He is apparently buying me a noise maker.

Anyway...he left at 6am this morning for his shift at the hospital and left me a note saying (I got up at 8.30am):

"WAKE UP!!! By now I have already resuscitated five people, given eight enemas and had six cups of weak hospital coffee! Get a move on boy!"

This is me: by the time you lot have read this I will have eaten half a chocolate pie that Will cooked last night, drank a cup of coffee, entered this weeks time into the company time sheet program and written this blog. This has taken an hour and a half.

Somehow Will's job seems so much more worthy than mine. I don't mind, however, that I don't have to perform urinary catheter procedures on morbidly obese women who can't pee. He literally has to fish around in their...erm....

So Will and I had the "chat" (in a good way) on Friday and we are officially "boyfriends". I am in that secure place now where I can stop worrying about stuff. I can think about Valentine's Day now without worrying about jinxing it!

I am wearing his school soccer top today which is a tight fit and shows off my chest to good advantage. Only thing is the armpits are a bit pongy, but that's ok. It has his surname on the back which is really cute and the girls are taking the piss out of me!

Am off to Chicago on Wednesday to do site checks for this event we are doing at the end of Feb. I am going to the Sears tower to see the space on the 99th floor. Am very excited cause I LOVE tall buildings...

There is an episode of SATC (yes, yes, yes - most of you are aware now that the program is my cultural and spiritual guide, bordering slightly on the obsessive) where Carrie ponders over what makes a good telephone call to that special someone. Especially what makes a good voicemail.

Well I have decided that I do not do good voicemail. It usually goes something like this...

"Hey Will. It's me. Christopher (as if I have to say this as my very British accent tends to give the game away). Anyway, er, I was just ringing to say that I am at work and I'm bored (big mistake - never say you are bored. It makes it sound like you only want to speak to them when you are bored). I've done everything that I was supposed to do and now I am looking at internet porn. Anyway - if you are bored too, call me back"

It sounds soooo weak! And I hate the word "anyway".

The problem is that voicemails put you on a little podium. For ten seconds or so you are required to be spontaneously witty, and while I can be spontaneous, I like it to be on my terms. Maybe I need to start creating a dialogue in my head before I call. Assume that I will get Will's voicemail. Especially as he works in the ER and can't have his phone switched on, because it could affect a heart monitor and kill someone. (I still LOVE the fact that he an ER nurse. He is like Dr. Carter. At least in my head).

I found out the other day that one of Will's nicknames is Buck.

I really want to see "Along Came Polly" (currently America's No.1 movie). The scene with the blind ferret hitting the trash can still makes me laugh out loud.

I was in staying in and saving money mode last night. Except that the saving money bit was a bit of a joke after I spent $120 on prescriptions (you have to do co-pays here - make me miss the NHS!) and then $20 on laundry!!!

Watched the Apprentice which I am slowly becoming addicted to!

Yesterday morning I met my friend James from the UK for breakfast. Mark my boss (the devil incarnate) joined us and we had a good old chinwag about David Beckham and Victoria Beckham and how their marriage is going a bit rocky due to David living in Madrid and Victoria hating the city (James does the PR for both Becks).

On the way back to the office Mark asked me if I still fancied moving to LA. My answer was very clear. No. Not ever. Not. I found this particularly unnerving as I really feel that I have made a home for myself in New York - I have my urban family, and I don't want to give it up in the slightest!

Will sent me an email this saying that he missed me last night. Awww.

I have always wanted to be known by CK or CJ (in the style of Allison Janney in The West Wing - also a fabulous PR person, not that our jobs are that similar, given that I don't work for the president).

However, recently my moniker seems to have become Pherk (christoPHERK) thanks to my friend Bill! While not CJ, I actually quite like it, because said in the right way it kinda sounds like "fuck".

Actually, maybe that isn't so great.

Anyway - came back from Miami two days earlier than expected due to the HUGE amount of money I spent in two days of being there. $400. Bugger. So now I am on a massive economy drive for the rest of the month, which really sucks, cause when you are dating someone new, you like to splash out and pretend that, yes, you do know the staff at Nobu, because, yes, you do eat there twice a week.

Anyway, with my two days off I spent quality time with Will. Went out on Monday night for dinner at Elmo before going a party at Sugar (round the block from where I live) to support Will's friend, Erikson (yet another cool name) and his new DJ'ing gig on Monday night. The bar was quite quiet, so not a HUGE success, but Will and I had fun putting vodka's down our throats.

Woke up at Will's yesterday morning and we lounged in bed and played kissypoo. Then we went to eat at this excellent Thai restaurant before going to see Concorde at the Intrepid museum. For those of you who don't know BA lent a Concorde to the museum, ad infinitum, last month. I think that it was sadly ironic that it was bought to it's new home on the West side, on the Hudson, by a slow boat. That said, it was quite a sight to see Concorde being floated up the Hudson.

After Concorde we went to see "Monster", which, if you haven't seen it, is great. The movie was really emotionally taxing (not exactly a date movie), but Charlize Theron was SO good (and also unrecognizable) as serial killer Aileen Wuornos - she totally deserves the Oscar.

Then after the movie Will showed me his domestic goddess skills by cooking me Macaroni Cheese after which we watched the latest installment of American Idol.

I am so confused by people who enter the competition - I mean there are these people who are REALLY bad singers - and I mean REALLY, REALLY bad. Why do they enter and humiliate themselves on national TV? Why? I find it incredible that they really believe that they have these great voices, which in the words of one contender, believe that they "want to share with the nation!"

However, the thought of one of these people winning American Idol is quite brilliant. Maybe, however unlikely, Simon Cowell will think someone is so avant garde that they will see them through.

My first day in Miami has been uneventful but relaxing and most satisfying on the eyes.

Spent most of the day on South Beach (the gay bit) and got FRIED! In a good way - my skin is subtly rouge, rather than RED!

Can't be bothered to write any more. Am feeling monged out! Bleurgh.

In days of yore, when courting someone, it was appropriate to buy red roses or, if you were very wealthy, to present your loved one with jewelry - a signature cut canary diamond necklace and earring set from Harry Winston.

In today's world a custom made CD, full of carefully chosen songs, is the perfect dating gift. And yesterday evening I got not one but two from Will, with an appropriate card wishing me all the best for my trip to Miami. Aw shucks! And I am only going for four and a half days. He really makes me all misty eyed, ya know.

Anyway - once I got over the gorgeous thoughtfulness, I began looking at the chosen song titles in more detail and began to ponder over their deeper significance:

"I Want Your Sex" by George Michael - good.
"Hot White Cum" by Liz Phair - tres bon.
"Say Goodbye" by Dave Matthews - bad.
"How Many Lix" by Lil' Kim - depends on my mood.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Or maybe that should be why do I do this to myself? Am I so jaded that I have to try to see the tiniest fault or flaw in even the nicest, most thoughtful gesture? If so that is really sad.

It does make me more like Miranda in SATC though, and I have to say that in the last few series she has WORKED, work, work, fierce, work.

So maybe it is good to be slightly jaded. Maybe it is a bit of armor to protect us against the shit life throws at us from time to time.

The shit today is in the form of snow. Lord knows how many times I almost lost my footing on the way to work this morning. It is deeply humiliating nearly falling over all the time. In some ways it is actually worse than falling over, cause you keep adopting these really unflattering poses to get your balance back.

I'm sat here at my desk listening to the Hannibal soundtrack - it's the bit where Hannibal is writing a letter to Clarice and Anthony Hopkins is reading it aloud. Really creepy.

I am SO BORED!!! I have almost nothing to do. Again - this leads to idle hands and inevitably checking out porn at work (I can do this as I have an office with a closeable door. Also no policy at downloading porn at work, which is really sexy).

I feel like I need a really adventuresome weekend so that I have some scandalous tales to tell on my blog, because I fear that it has become a mixture of the following..

1) Catastrophising over Will (although we were on the phone for another hour last night!!)

2) Moaning over the triviality of my job

and 3) and 4)

So with that in mind...

Roy has DVDs of the very early French & Saunders and we have been watching them. Comic genius.

Went to therapy last night (I live in New York, k? I HAVE to have a therapist. It's compulsory). We talked about Will a bit and we discussed my obsessive compulsive disorder when I start dating someone - the way that I completely overwhelm them by being way too full on. This is because I am basically saying "Think of me! Think of me every second of the day!!!".

My new mantra is..."you can't make it work, but you can fuck it up."

We have a date tomorrow night, on his suggestion. We spoke on the phone for an hour yesterday. He keeps making sweet comments about how handsome I am (I know!) and he sent me a really long email last night while he was at work (caring for very sick people in the ER - swoon...). These are all good things and good signs. Focus Christopher, Focus!

Also discussed with therapist the job situation and have decided that I must get my CV properly written and start applying for other PR jobs in NYC. I have practically nothing to do at work today so I have good reason to utilise that time.

Well, I have been back at work for just twenty five minutes and already I hate my boss again, hate my job and feel basically despondant. Great start to the new year.

This is made worse by the fact that I had the new kid on the block, Will, in my bed this morning and had to get up when all I wanted to do was snuggle against his warm, hard body. We were rudely awakened by my alarm clock. Still - we did fool around a bit and played kissypoo for a while.

This is still relatively new but I can already feel myself falling for the boy. He came round last night in his scrubs (he is a nurse at Cornell in the ER - obviously prompting lots of doctor, patient scenarios in my nasty little head) and looked for want of a better word, HOT! I am a real sucker for hospital scrubs. Makes me think of Dr Carter in "ER".

He is also from Missisipee (spelling) and has that great southern draaaawwwwllll. Mmmm...southern drawl....

We met on a hot and crowded dancefloor on new years eve and made out for hours. We have seen each other every day since then and this has resulted in my getting MASSIVE stubble burn from snogging too much. My chin looks like a massive scab - well not that bad, but pretty bad.

I'll shut up now about the boy. Am going to write my CV instead.

The day started with me stumbling across the delightful sight of a pigeon feeding itself from a pile of vomit. It almost made me wretch. I hope it is not a sign or anything.

Uneventful night last night. Went to the gym and then packed my stuff. Have three hours in the office today and then a press lunch and then flight home. Whoo hoo!

Just remembered that Linky told me last night that the fight that I stood next to at Crobar on Sat got mentioned by Richard Johnson in the NY Post! Helena! We are marginally famous by association!!! Whoo hoo!

Last night I was doorman extrordinaire for Sally's party at BoConcept. Got asked by some fat swedish git to pretend that someone wasn't on the list when actually they were and that were also the owners of BoConcept. I looked him square in the eye and said "I'm English" and he gave it up. I don't know what has got into me lately but I am so not putting up with any crap. I think that my boss's rantings have caused me to lose my sense of humor.

Went home rather than going to Beige. Meant to pack but crashed instead.

I want to come home NOW!

Last night I watched the final three hours of Angels in America. I didn't want it to end. Probably the best TV I have ever seen. Again I got that great "I live in an amazing city" feeling and the opening credits sequence when the camera pans down from up high over the city to a facial close up of the Angel of Bethesda in Central Park...all in one shot. I could watch that sequence over and over...

http://www.centralparknyc.org/virtualpark/southend/bethesdaangel/

The event looks like it is going well aside from the fact that my boss is still a neurotic twat. I am rid of him on Thursday! Praise the lord!

Apparently it might snow again on Thursday. I hope my flight doesn't get delayed. I'll be pissed off if it is....

I am nursing the mother of all hangovers (actually that's a bit far fetched, but my aching head is testament to a great first night at Crobar and the powers of Lincoln's prowess as a club promoter!)

Spent the first part of the evening at home with several vodka and tonics before slipping off together with the gang at 10pm. Emilie couldn't make it cause Tanya made a fuck up at work and Em had to step in and sort it out (till 1am!)

The club actually holds three and a half thousand people, which made it even more surprising that the queue stretched down the block. Tess and Michael threw the towel in after 15 minutes, but once we got in it was worth the wait. Apart from being severely congested that club itself is awesome (I really overuse that word) and everyone looked beautiful, which appealed to my Libran sensibilities (not that I believe in that nonsense).

Drink flowed, in a free manner, which always rounds the evening off nicely. Lost Nick and Roy right at the start, but kept Richard, Roy's sexy friend from England staying with us at the apartment. Also saw Linky and Sally and Boden which was really cool because I love them all and especially Sally who is always frikkin fabulous.

Anyway - got twatted. Saw Michael Brown who was playing way to hard to get, so I got bored and tried it on a bit with Richard and in the process learned that he had a boyfriend of five years, which made it obvious to me that he was unlikely to put out. So I may have looked fierce last night but I clearly wasn't gettin any.

Richard and I leave together and in the cab home I try to offer some wise (yet drunken) advice about love and life.

Go to bed at 1.30am. Wake up at 5.30am and worry about my day so much that I don't get back to sleep again. Wander into the living room at at 8am to discover Roy asleep on the sofa with Erik who was, up until this point, straight.

I want to say he is bisexual. However, and this goes against all Clare and Lucy's PC training of me (I used to make some pretty outrageous statements in my youth that I am particularly proud of), in my experience if you play around with men, and you are a man, you are probably gay. Or you will be at a later date.

Anyway - going to Opaline tonight and might try to put the moves on Richard again and see if he really is faithful to his boyfriend. Is that bad? Will I get bad karma?

Who gives.

Lest I forget (because money means nothing to me) I just have to say that for about half an hour today I thought that I had lost the company $50,000 by not factoring in a cost into a budget.

I've never seen Tom, my boss, look so pale. It was quite horrible. Actually it was quite funny, but that's because I have a warped sense of humor.

But fortunately it wasn't me, so I am off the hook. Now I am off home to celebrate my good fortune.

Ta ta.

Yesterday was bloody great and I was on fire. I seem to have gotten myself out of the messy PR quagmire and am now a sharp as a sharp thing with sharp edges. I got in at 8.30am and already I have cleared my inbox. Whoo hoo!

Last night - Roy finally used the dried mushrooms from the cupboard and made mushroom risotto which is one of my favorite things to eat.

Then I watched Angels in America again. I can't explain how great this show is. If you live in the UK and want to see the trailer check out this link...

http://www.hbo.com/films/angelsinamerica/video/window.html?vid_id=0

So anyway - the Zyban seems to be working and I am smoking way less than I usually do - yesterday only had four. It's weird - the craving just isn't there! But will continue to smoke until stupid PR event is over. Am going to stop just before I get on the plane next Thursday night.

Have just realized that I write my blog in a Bridget Jones style. V.bad. Must stop.

So the awful day was superseded yesterday by what will now be known as THE AWFUL DAY FROM HELL. It actually involved me having a screaming row with my boss and picking up my bag to leave the company. Fortunately he chased after me and apologized. But the whole incident has made me hate my job (only for now) and made me question practically everything in my life, in a most rational fashion (crying on the phone to Mum!).

Aside from that, no other update. Work has taken up my social life now and have nothing to report.

Unless you want to know what I had for breakfast (nothing - no time).

Nice.

Oh, oh, oh...and now I am drawn up with some stupid legal thing where I am talking to people about letters of indemnification and affidavits! I am completely out of my depth. I am drowning in a world of cheap cars and stupid PR ideas.

Awful day yesterday. Awful. Don't get stressed by work much, but yesterday was an exception to the rule. Am praying that today is better.

That is all.

Something very interesting I learned this Thanksgiving - the drug Tryptophan is harvested from Turkeys! Which is why everyone takes a nap on Thanksgiving (or in England, Christmas Day)! Useful to know also, if any has ever taken drugs and needs a natural come down. Go out and buy turkey. Not that I know anyone who takes drugs....

Well my first thanksgiving was a lovely event spent with my urban family, Tess and Roy (and for twenty minutes, Nick, who stupidly sat at home, two blocks away, watching TV and getting drunk my himself). In the evening we went to see The Cat In The Hat, which was very amusing. Oh...and I watched the Macy's Day Parade in the morning, but on TV, cause I was gonna be arsed to get my arse down to Broadway to see that fiasco! Right.

Weekend - usual...Opaline on Friday, blah, blah, blah...went to gym...blah...slept an unusual amount and read a lot of Harry Potter.

Oh, and I changed my summer duvet (comforter) to my winter duvet (comforter) because it is now colder than iceland in our apartment. I was as snug as the proverbial bug in a winter duvet (comforter) last night and this morning was a bastard to get out of it.

The shit hit the fan this morning cause Angie and Jason Turkey event last Tuesday got no press at all. This does not fare well for the team. Or me, for that matter.

And Matt Moneypenny hasn't called me. Bastard. I never fancied him that much anyway.

Will email him now and see what he is up to.

OH! Went and saw Love Actually. Made me homesick. :(

Lyrics to Private Life by Grace Jones. She is tres harsh, man!

J'ai les glands with your theatrics,
Your acting's a drag,
It's ok on tv, but you can turn it off,

Your marriage is a tragedy,
But it's not my concern,
I'm very superficial i hate everything official,
Your private life drama, baby, leave me out

Your sentimental gestures only bore me to death,
You've made a desperate appeal, now save your breath,
Attachment to obligation, through guilt and regret, shit thats so wet

And your sex life complications are not my fascinations,
Your private life drama, baby, leave me out

You asked my advice i say use the door,
But your still clinging to somebody you deplore,
And now you wanna use me for emotional blackmail,
I just feel pity when you lie, contempt when you cry,

Your private life drama, baby, leave me out,(x2) oh!