Scene 1
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin