To feel things so deeply ...

Someone once said that it is a burden to feel things so deeply.  I could Google it I guess.

I’m not in a good way for the start of the year. They say that each pillar of your house needs to be in order: loosely, family, friends, career, money, love.  Each of those feels out of kilter.  I just saw my doctor and she emphasised this.

I’m also using again. Today I took maybe three Stilnox and 20mg of Valium, plus red wine.  All to numb the pain.

It’s not that I don’t want to be in Australia.  That’s just geography.

My family – my biological family is far away – however close they are by phone.

My friends: I have friends here in Sydney, but I can feel myself cocooning and that’s not good.  I need to spend the effort to see them.  I know it’s good medicine. They bring me out of myself and make me feel better.

My career is plateauing, maybe even stalling, because I can’t concentrate because of all this stuff.  Maybe I’m at the right place for now, but I can’t help but to feel that if I were in-house again things would be simpler.  Maybe this should be a goal for 2018?

Money is always a problem.  I live barely (not barely) within my means.  I spend money when I want to, never really in a budget despite my best intentions.

Love: I love B., but I don’t think that he’s the one.  I think the fact that I loved him but was never head over heels is a sign. And then there’s the elephant in the room – we haven’t had sex for over 14 months.  Is he just my friend now?  I feel co-dependent. I’m so scared of losing him, but I feel that I could be a far, far better friend to him, than I can be a lover (which I am not, by virtue (virtue?) of the fact that we are not lovers.  But I love him so much.  But I know it’s not in the right way.

Last week I saw Call Me By Your Name and now I’m reading the book. If I ask myself today, have I met that one person who I achieved 100% intimacy with, for better or for worse, then I think the answer is no.  And time is ticking by.  Tick-tock, tick-tock.  I’m 45.  I may feel 25, but I’m not.

I feel close to closure, yet new beginnings.  I don’t know how to make that leap.  Is it as simple as just jumping from the edge (metaphorically speaking) and seeing what else is out there for me?

I found it:

“It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply.” – David Jones