Christopher's Acceptance Speech for the Best Complexion in a Documentary Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly believe this! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to bow down before me and accept that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever validate my mediocrity. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your crushing defeat makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was n't blonde enough, I just had to take a Xanax and brag about how generous my love scenes have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap

You know, there are so many obsequious little people to thank! First off though, I want to thank the esteemed idiots of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Vishnu, for being such a powerful force in my contract negotiations. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the sycophantic talk show hosts - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!