Two fucked up things happened to me today...
1) I lost all your comments here on my blog
2) An errant bagel almost cost me my life
I know that you are more concerned about the first fucked up thing, so I'll begin there.
If you have been with me for a while you will notice that my blog has slowly been undergoing some beautification and streamlining. This is the result of me teaching myself some of the rudimentary elements of the HTML / CSS code that makes up our blogs. I chose a template (inspired by my friend YoYo Bunny) and I tinkered with it - changed the colors, the alignment etc. But the thing that I most wanted to do was to insert the title logo I had designed on my iBook at the top of the page. I literally spent hours trying to work out how to do it, but to no avail. In the end fellow blogger Billy gave me the proper pointers and hey presto - my blog now has the lovely pastel blue, lavender mix of fonts that you can see above.
I was pretty much satisfied after that, but then I remembered that many of you fellow bloggers have that Haloscan comments system on your blogs, and as Andy would say to Lou, in Little Britain, "I want that one!"
Haloscan is really cool, because once you have registered you can actually select this option where the code for the comments system is automatically installed into your template for you. AUTOMATIC INSTALLATION I TELL YOU! And it worked, which was great until I realised that it had deleted every single comment that anyone has ever left for me here.
I almost cried. In my mind the comments on peoples blogs are of equal importance to the content of the authors post. It's the thing that really brings this whole blogging thing to life and creates a forum for discussion. But the thing that really upset me is that many of the comments that people have left me were kind of personal and really from the heart. And now they are no more. Gone to blog heaven.
So I now ask you, all of you, to make up for this sad loss by commenting as much as possible on each of my posts, using my new gorgeous commenting facility. Merci bien.
Right, onto my near death experience.
As you may know, since March last year when I OD'd (another near death experience - I'm not making light of that, btw, but it's a fact) I have been suffering with a paralysed vocal chord. When I arrived at the hospital I wasn't breathing and so the ER staff had to intubate me very quickly, which damaged my vocal chord. I am having surgery in the next couple of months to correct it, but in the meantime I have a partially obstructed throat, which means that I get breathless quite easily. I also have a wicked cough - something akin to a walrus barking.
So I worked out (focused on my chest today - prior to last March I had a fine pair of disco tits and I am trying to get them back to their previous, glorious state). The workout was followed by a five minute sesh on the hydrotherapy bed and a spell in the steam room. After I got changed, I went downstairs to the Bagel Factory, ordered a bacon and egg bagel and a protein shake and then took my grub to a table to eat while reading a hugely bitchy article penned by Julie Birchell in The Times about Germaine Greer's appearance on Big Brother.
After a couple of minutes of eating my bagel a bit of bacon goes down the wrong way. I involuntarily coughed, the way you do when something goes down the wrong way, except that every time I coughed I expelled air, which I very soon realised I couldn't retrieve - like I could blow out but I couldn't breath in again. I think it was to do with the partial obstruction of my throat and the bit of bacon or whatever it was.
If any of you suffer from asthma you'll know how scary it is when you can't draw breath. For about ten seconds I was freaking out - I literally couldn't breath in. So in the end I had to get down on the floor, on all fours, and use all the muscles in my chest to force my lungs to intake air (thank God for all those push ups!) If getting down onto the floor was not enough to draw people’s attention to me then the noise that my chest and throat made certainly was. I can’t even describe how horrible it sounded and how loud it was. The woman from behind the bagel counter came running round to the table to see if I was ok. By this time I was just about managing to get enough air, but not enough to talk, so she ran to get first aid. Fortunately by the time the first aid person got to me, I was just about breathing and able to say that I was going to be ok.
Now incase you were wondering I can reliably inform you that yes, it is possible to experience profound terror and acute embarrassment at the same time. But do you want to know how I was really, really brave? When I had regained my breath (and my composure) I didn't make a run for it. I simply sat down, cleared my throat and carried on reading Julie Birchell and eating the rest of my bagel.
Which, by the way, was yummy...
1 comment:
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