Friday, January 07, 2005

I could get used to this. I think.

So once again I am in Jake’s apartment on Bankside, tapping away at his computer (I will be deleting his history before I leave – don’t want him coming across THIS!). He left for work EARLY (so glad I'm not working. Careers are for losers) and so I am now, again, pretending that I live here and making full use of all his facilities. He said help myself to anything, so I did by opening his new expensive amaretto cafetiere coffee. It's yum!

Jake and I haven't spent a lot of time together since his appendix op, after we broke up, so when I got to his apartment last night it was kind of weird. Dating is such a weird lark. Even if you have only been dating someone for just a few weeks, you get to this place, often very quickly, where you share really intimate moments together. And then the moment you break up it's all kind of weird because really, unless you have been dating for years, you don't really know each other that well and you have to reestablish things as being only friends.

So we kinda did this dance around each other for a bit, asking each other how we were, even though we already knew because we have been talking on the phone. Then we settled down, ordered some food and watched a DVD. We both sat on the sofa but there was no "touching" to start with. And then when the movie was over and we (I) had drunk quite a bit of wine we started talking. Not about anything consequential - just stuff. Eventually, slowly, feet start brushing together and hands find other hands and before you know it we're going at it on the floor. And then in the shower. And then in bed.

Ok, if you are new to my blog, then I'll give you a little history. Jake and I dated very intensely last November, after he picked me up at the gym, for literally about three weeks. Week two saw the two of us going to Paris for the weekend and it was just after that, that he broke up with me because there was the chance that I was going back to New York and he didn't want to get hurt further down the line. And that was the story of Jake and I (with a bit of appendicitis and nursing thrown in).

Jake is amazing on paper - very handsome, 32, financial lawyer at a big firm in the city, financially solvent, educated, mature, funny, great in the sack and, of course, has a legendary washboard stomach. Basically the dream man that I have had in my head since my first crush on Roger Taylor and the type of guy that I lust after from afar when I'm out at a club.

The conversations that we have been having on the phone ever since I told him that I didn't get the job in NYC have been kind of, erm, loaded. What I mean by that is that we have both been aware that now could be a good time for us to consider getting back together and trying to work something out. I had lots of conversations with friends about this over Christmas and the general consensus of opinion is that I should give it another try. We do make sense - there are no games being played, we're happy chatting or being silent together. Oh, and I can sleep in the same bed as him and not be tossing and turning all night. I sleep like a baby. That is RARE for me.

But the thing is, even though last night was, aside from the initial awkwardness, really cool and fun and sexy, I still have this nagging feeling inside - that being, I'm just not sure that I like him in the way that he has previously professed to liking me. The irony in the fact that I may have met the man of my dreams and yet I have kind of chilly feet has not escaped me. And most of my friends will tell you, absolutely in character.

I'm really jumping the gun here. He hasn't actually said anything to me yet about getting together. I have a feeling that we may just slip back into this and not actually discuss it at all, which is ok I guess.

We'll see. We'll see.

4 comments:

magz said...

hi christopher, pleased to meetcha! nice blog here, and I really had to laugh a bit at you're profile..so I came to check you out cause I'm danno-s (Mr. Math) real mom..and yep, i read his blog and comments. i got him into this whole blog thing, he knows i read it. at 17 he's between boy and man, and he's just back from a years detention for being stupid, i'm hopin he learned sumthin..it's t tuff age to be. so i came by and read you, and wow.. no matter who or how ya love/like/infatuate with someone.. it all comes out so.. thrilling i guess. if ya wanna read a couple good writers (i new love, one not so new but real) check out the links on me and dann's page to 'sordid details' and on my page to 'this is not a love story' have a good day dude!

Jef said...

I was in a similar situation once. When I was younger, I sought out a particular guy that was no good for me and there was no future with. It was always very passionate and consumed my every thought. One day, I met the guy of my dreams: 6.2"; 180; dark hair; dark eyes; face of a model; kind; really into me; and most important, loved Bananarama! It went very well in the beginning and then I began to doubt my feelings for him, because there was nothing to consume me. There was no drama. It was healthy and it felt really weird and uncomfortable because all I had known was dysfunction. Unfortunately, I figured all of this out too late. I still needed to work out a few things. After I had done this, I met Jeff and this time I didn't let this one get away.

Just take it one day at a time and don't force anything.

Christopher said...

Wayne - yes, it hasn't escaped me that you and I were also good on paper. But for the same reason that you and Michael, ahem, are not meant to be you and I were always destined to be friends!

Magz - "thrilling" is definitely the word. It's got groove. It's got meaning.

Jef - are you sure that guy you dated wasn't Jake? And yes, I agree that a splash of drama is always good for spicing up our libidinous soups.

Anonymous said...

Hey Chris,

I just discovered this blog within the last week and have read it twice (ok, way too much time on my hands). It actually made me want to go to London just for the social life (though I have a pretty active one here in NYC). Now, I have to say (my inner golddigger speaking), I was blown away by how you and Jake met at the gym. It made me go to mine just to see if I could find my "Jake" there...LOL