I'm going to talk at length (Length! I kill myself!) about penises today ... just so you know ...
I keep receiving emails entitled "enhance::ur:gr8wth" and "bi88ger::g1rth". Every single one of the 32 unsolicited emails delivered to my Hotmail's junk folder in the last few days are to do with dick size and how I might increase it. Now I'm not going to use this as a forum to talk about my dick, because that would be crass, but ... well, maybe I will a bit...
I like my dick. It's length is not John Holmes-esque, but neither is it an AA Duracell. Similarly it's girth is neither beer can nor Biro in proportions. I like to think that I have the "original penis" - the prototype that God created for Adam, which was used as the master design for all subsequent "peni". Then along the way the different master-craftspeople, who replicated this original, applied their own personal quirks and preferences, in addition to a little artistic license, until we got to a point where we now have a beautiful Skittles' rainbow of fruity phallus flavas.
I've never personally had a problem with my dick size. It's one of the few things about myself that I don't have a hang up over. On the same token I am not a size queen. Extremes either way are never good - really massive ones are nice to look at, but you know when your boyfriend wins you a huge oversized Tigger at the fairground? It looks real pretty and everything, but where the buggery bollocks are you supposed to put it? And really, really tiny ones can actually be a BIG issue. A couple of years ago I hooked up with this guy at a club. Because I am a filthy-whore-slut-boy I generally cop a feel before slinking off home with them to do the dirty deed. Only with this guy I couldn't locate anything at all. But I was kinda drunk and didn't really think too much of it at the time. But then we get home and we start gettin' nekkid and basicallly it turns out that this guy is like really, really small! I mean REALLY small. I had the feeling that I was a character in a clunky Monty Python animation. Let's just say that things stopped working and there was no way with all the will in the world that I could go any further. So I did the worst, most disgusting thing - I hit the "PRESS IN EMERGENCY!" stop-gay-sex-button. I turned away looking sad and woefully said "I'm sorry. I can't. I only just got dumped by my ex and I don't think I can do this."
Poor guy. I'm sure I secured my pass to Hell with that, but anyway...
I am a fervent supporter of manscaping and I will concede to the fact that one of the benefits of this intimate grooming routine is that, yes, it does make your cock look a little more cocky. But that isn't the reason I do it. I do it because tidiness is next to Godliness and as I am sure someone has suggested before, few people go down there with the intention of flossing. And if they do, well then that's just ineffective (but fun!) dental hygiene.
Back to those emails - usually I just ignore them, because after five days or something like that, Hotmail automatically deletes them. But yesterday I got a little curious. I took a look at one entitled "Be A Larger Man" quietly hoping to see pictures of naked dudes. Admittedly I got this. But although the guys were really cute and buff the potent sexual illusion was ruined by the fact that they were all using cock pumps, each of them wearing to varying degrees what appeared to be sheer rampant ecstacy on their faces.
Now physics was never really my bag, man, but I know enough to realise that the vacuum used to make your cock bigger is only a temporary (and potentially dangerous) fix and the action alone would doubtfully cause the immensely pleasurable sensations that the ad guys seem to be experiencing. Maybe someone was providing each of them with an intimate tickle with a feather at the moment the shot was taken, which they later Photoshopped out.
The thing that I don't get is that while yes, I will put my hands up to subscribing to certain types of websites, I have never subscribed to anything that would lead anyone to believe that I have "size issues". Feeling rather deflated (sorry - couldn't resist) I decided to send one of these companies an email stating that unless they could offer me free pictures and MPEG's of really, really great gay porn (a free lifetime subscription to the afore mentioned site would be super!) they should take me off their mailing lists sooner than immediately. How organised of me! I love complaining and it's the thing I miss most about having a career.
This afternoon I told a friend who works in IT all about the problem and what I had done and to my horror I was informed that these companies actually act on those kind of complaints by basically sending you even more unsolicited crap. Great. Why can't I ever get the kinds of brilliant and genuine unsolicited email that my friends get? You know the ones - "You're our millionth customer and you've won 75 trillion gazillion dollars!!! Claim now!"
A few of my friends seem to be jumping the boat and going over to Gmail so maybe I should follow suit. One of the great things about Gmail, I am reliably informed, as that you get a really sizeable inbox. Not that I need a sizeable inbox, you understand.
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