So I went to the hospital yesterday afternoon. Got there one hour before my appointment thinking that I would beat them at their own game, but still I was waiting for over an hour and a half before I actually got seen by this very nice, but very nervous Swedish doctor called Ilka. When I convulsed into coughing fits when she squirted Thorocaine, or something like that, up my nose she nearly recoiled across the room.
So anyway - anyone who knows me is aware that I am about at the end of my tether with regards to my throat. I mean I can't do anything that requires any exersion lest I collapse with breathlessness. I will do almost anything to get past this hurdle, with the exception of quitting smoking.
I basically have three options:
1) leave everything and let it get better by itself (which will take time)
2) have some kind of laser surgery where they laser away part of my vocal chord, leaving me with a permanently husky voice (not so bad)
3) have a tracheotomy
The third option is really upsetting to me...I mean there is no way on EARTH, that I am having a frikkin hole drilled into my windpipe! Now I know the hole wouldn't be there forever, but the frikkin scar would be and I would have people always asking me why I have a huge scar on my throat. And I am getting really irritated with the doctors when they keep highlighting this as an option, especially when my answer is always a distinct and rabid "NO! NO WAY! NOT EVER!" Argh! It puts the fear of god in me.
Anyway - the outcome was that my vocal chords have got better enough for the doctors to sway in favor of the "lets just wait and see." This means that I have to go back for another consult in November when they can see what a difference four months can make. Hmm. I guess cutting out smoking would help after all.
After the hospital I came back to work to discover that there had been a power cut and that we could go home early. So went home, hired a DVD (Cold Creek Manor with Sharon Stone), watched it and fell asleep on the sofa. Missed Chicken Stu and Michelle shagging on Big Brother. Damn.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
My throat
So this afternoon I am going back to the specialist at Guy's to have my throat re-examined. As most of you know, I have been sounding somewhat like Darth Vadar for the past four months and I am just about sick of it. I tried running at the gym a few weeks ago and nearly keeled over with breathlessness!!!
It's actually really unpleasant. They stick this camera thing (endoscope?) up my nose and then down so that they can see my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt exactly...it's just a really uncomfortable experience.
Hopefully they will be able to do something about it without the need to operate, but somehow I doubt it. I KNOW that part of the reason it's not getting better is because I have not given up smoking (which they told me to do), but they just don't get how hard it is! You see I have tried everything apart from hypnotherapy. Nothing works! Besides, I am not in a place where I feel like I can give up smoking at the moment.
Please god! I just want to be able to change my voicemail message each morning without having to gasp for breath!!!
It's actually really unpleasant. They stick this camera thing (endoscope?) up my nose and then down so that they can see my vocal chords. It doesn't hurt exactly...it's just a really uncomfortable experience.
Hopefully they will be able to do something about it without the need to operate, but somehow I doubt it. I KNOW that part of the reason it's not getting better is because I have not given up smoking (which they told me to do), but they just don't get how hard it is! You see I have tried everything apart from hypnotherapy. Nothing works! Besides, I am not in a place where I feel like I can give up smoking at the moment.
Please god! I just want to be able to change my voicemail message each morning without having to gasp for breath!!!
I am very dissapointed to learn that...
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Monday, July 19, 2004
Bottom Feeding TV
I just read that Fox is developing a reality series in which a young woman will try to figure out which of 16 men is actually her father.
Reminds me of Phoebe Cates' fabulous line from TV movie Lace - "Which one of you bitches is my mother?"
The weekend...
...was good and bad in equal measures. Friday night I threw caution to the wind and withdrew £100 and managed to blow it in various stages throughout the night.
Part une was spent at Revolution on Clapham High Street with some work buddies, before moving on to Part Deux, at home, with Lindsay and Vix - and pizza, wine and Big Bro eviction. God riddance Ahmed. I hate the fact that I am addicted to that programme, but hell I am, so I just have to get over it.
Part trois was spent at Fiction. Took me an hour to get there on the Northern Line and then another twenty minutes to get in. Found Drew et al immediately which was good. Proceeded to, er, get off my face and dance the night away. Left at 5am with a bunch of people I had not met before and got driven to a chill out in Crouch End (pronounced "Crew-shond" if you want to pretend that it is posh).
Slept in some strange boys bed until 4.30pm and then left to get back home. Had to take a bus to get to the nearest tube station which I hate, hate, hate doing. I mean, I would never live somewhere where I would have to get a bus to the tube. It's bad enough having to walk ten minutes to the tube, without having the hassle of rushing for the next available seat whenever anyone stands up. The Mirror provided interesting reading (not).
Anyway - a nice evening ensued. Managed to get Vix to agree to watch Kill Bill Vol.1. Had to really twist her arm though, but she agreed in the end and actually really liked it! Which I knew she would. And then drew came round afterwards and we watched it all over again. I think I've seen that movie about ten times now or something ridiculous. And I think I am seeing the follow up tonight, again, for like the fifth time! Anyway - ended up in bed at 3am!
Sunday was spent lying on the sofa feeling a bit sorry for myself. The arse end of the weekend. Watched another movie - In The Cut, with Meg Ryan. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there is a scene where this woman gives a guy a blow job and they actually show it in full detail! A Meg Ryan movie! Shocker!
Another installment of Big Brother - my favourite of the week, because it features the psychologists analysis of the housemates behaviour - before bedtime.
Didn't sleep well last night - too hot and kept thinking about the kind of stuff that can only be described as that of the remnants of a heavy night out. And then had weird dreams where I was picking paint off my bedroom wall. Probably something to do with the Irish Brie I ate during the afternoon.
Part une was spent at Revolution on Clapham High Street with some work buddies, before moving on to Part Deux, at home, with Lindsay and Vix - and pizza, wine and Big Bro eviction. God riddance Ahmed. I hate the fact that I am addicted to that programme, but hell I am, so I just have to get over it.
Part trois was spent at Fiction. Took me an hour to get there on the Northern Line and then another twenty minutes to get in. Found Drew et al immediately which was good. Proceeded to, er, get off my face and dance the night away. Left at 5am with a bunch of people I had not met before and got driven to a chill out in Crouch End (pronounced "Crew-shond" if you want to pretend that it is posh).
Slept in some strange boys bed until 4.30pm and then left to get back home. Had to take a bus to get to the nearest tube station which I hate, hate, hate doing. I mean, I would never live somewhere where I would have to get a bus to the tube. It's bad enough having to walk ten minutes to the tube, without having the hassle of rushing for the next available seat whenever anyone stands up. The Mirror provided interesting reading (not).
Anyway - a nice evening ensued. Managed to get Vix to agree to watch Kill Bill Vol.1. Had to really twist her arm though, but she agreed in the end and actually really liked it! Which I knew she would. And then drew came round afterwards and we watched it all over again. I think I've seen that movie about ten times now or something ridiculous. And I think I am seeing the follow up tonight, again, for like the fifth time! Anyway - ended up in bed at 3am!
Sunday was spent lying on the sofa feeling a bit sorry for myself. The arse end of the weekend. Watched another movie - In The Cut, with Meg Ryan. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that there is a scene where this woman gives a guy a blow job and they actually show it in full detail! A Meg Ryan movie! Shocker!
Another installment of Big Brother - my favourite of the week, because it features the psychologists analysis of the housemates behaviour - before bedtime.
Didn't sleep well last night - too hot and kept thinking about the kind of stuff that can only be described as that of the remnants of a heavy night out. And then had weird dreams where I was picking paint off my bedroom wall. Probably something to do with the Irish Brie I ate during the afternoon.
Friday, July 16, 2004
When love comes as a complete surprise...
One summer night in 1995, I went, with my friend Tim, to see a great little film called Before Sunrise, which starred the French actress Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke.
It is the story of an American boy and a French girl and the fourteen hours they spend together in Vienna "Before Sunrise", when they must part company and go back to their own separate lives. It's a really gentle film which is entirely based in dialogue and characterisation. They discuss themselves, life and philosophical ideas in such an organic way that you can just imagine that this is something real that could actually happen to you - not some schmaltzy Hollywood crap.
So anyway - at the end of the movie they say goodbye but rather than staying in touch and ruining the magic that they have created, they make a pact to meet in six months to the day on the same train platform at the same time. And that is where the story ends.
So for the last nine years I have been wondering what happened to them. Did they meet again? Did only one of them turn up? I'm soon to find out because the sequel (Before Sunset) is out next Friday!!! Yippee!
I read an article with Julie Delpy, where she said that herself, Hawke and the director of the sequel and the original, Richard Linklater, were compelled to write the follow up because they felt that a piece of them was missing without that ultimate resolution - did they meet again? There was also a quote from Ethan Hawke which really resonated with me...
"Our life doesn't work in such a clean narrative as most movies do. This makes us think that our lives are boring because our lives and even our relationships don't have a beginning, a middle and an end. It's never as clear as all that. It's so much more amorphous. What we're aspiring to do is capture what it's really like to be alive, to take naturalism to a new, heightened degree."
I guess the reason that this quote got to me, was because it grapples with the idea that we are something so much more than the sum of our parts. What a great idea that we have no beginning, middle and end! That means that life is full of endless possibilities and that anything might happen. It sounds like a cliche, but cliches are cliches because out of all the things that have been said they are the things that have held true.
I've just been talking to my friend Bill about how, after my relationship with Will, that I want to take myself off the shelf for a while. But isn't it in the moments when you're not looking, that life gently taps you on the shoulder and reminds you what it's all about, again? You might think that at 31 years of age this is something that should be plainly obvious to me, but it's easy to lose sight of the real things.
I am going to go out tonight, and I am going to go out without agenda. I am neither available nor unavailable. If I go home alone I am not a failure. If I meet someone cute, I don't have to sleep with them. I can just give them my number.
Because at the end of the day I could just have some fun with my friends and that could be enough. That's about as real as it gets!
It is the story of an American boy and a French girl and the fourteen hours they spend together in Vienna "Before Sunrise", when they must part company and go back to their own separate lives. It's a really gentle film which is entirely based in dialogue and characterisation. They discuss themselves, life and philosophical ideas in such an organic way that you can just imagine that this is something real that could actually happen to you - not some schmaltzy Hollywood crap.
So anyway - at the end of the movie they say goodbye but rather than staying in touch and ruining the magic that they have created, they make a pact to meet in six months to the day on the same train platform at the same time. And that is where the story ends.
So for the last nine years I have been wondering what happened to them. Did they meet again? Did only one of them turn up? I'm soon to find out because the sequel (Before Sunset) is out next Friday!!! Yippee!
I read an article with Julie Delpy, where she said that herself, Hawke and the director of the sequel and the original, Richard Linklater, were compelled to write the follow up because they felt that a piece of them was missing without that ultimate resolution - did they meet again? There was also a quote from Ethan Hawke which really resonated with me...
"Our life doesn't work in such a clean narrative as most movies do. This makes us think that our lives are boring because our lives and even our relationships don't have a beginning, a middle and an end. It's never as clear as all that. It's so much more amorphous. What we're aspiring to do is capture what it's really like to be alive, to take naturalism to a new, heightened degree."
I guess the reason that this quote got to me, was because it grapples with the idea that we are something so much more than the sum of our parts. What a great idea that we have no beginning, middle and end! That means that life is full of endless possibilities and that anything might happen. It sounds like a cliche, but cliches are cliches because out of all the things that have been said they are the things that have held true.
I've just been talking to my friend Bill about how, after my relationship with Will, that I want to take myself off the shelf for a while. But isn't it in the moments when you're not looking, that life gently taps you on the shoulder and reminds you what it's all about, again? You might think that at 31 years of age this is something that should be plainly obvious to me, but it's easy to lose sight of the real things.
I am going to go out tonight, and I am going to go out without agenda. I am neither available nor unavailable. If I go home alone I am not a failure. If I meet someone cute, I don't have to sleep with them. I can just give them my number.
Because at the end of the day I could just have some fun with my friends and that could be enough. That's about as real as it gets!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
The Internet is for Techies and Paedophiles
...or so the saying goes (I think that was a Sarah Michelle Gellar quote from Cruel Intentions).
So in my desperation (actually it was a friend - you know who you are (!) - that bought brought my attention to it, or rather "reminded" me) I have subscribed to Gaydar. Now for those of you who are uninitiated into the murky, lascivious world of gay internet dating, there are two things you should know:
The first is that it is murky.
The second is that it is lascivious.
In the twenty four hours that I have had my profile up on the site I have been "viewed" (at the time of writing this) 153 times. I have been messaged by interested parties fifteen times. Out of those fifteen only one was cute. All the rest were the kind of people who describe themselves as "Abercrombieboy". Your initial instinct is to conjure up a buff Bruce Weber model in ripped cargo pants and nothing else. Disappointment quickly ensues.
Then there are those who seem to be nice enough at first glance, but then on further investigation have dropped the word "fisting" into their list of interests. Er...no thanks.
And then there are the guys who look married (and, no, I am not into that. Married men, who are probably gay, tend to have rather obvious commitment issues) and those that are for want of a better descriptor, gross. We're talking about back hair. Of a length that could be platted.
So twenty four hours later I am thinking that I should unsubscribe. I can't think of anyone who met their life partner on line. I mean there must be some couples out there, but I've never met any. Although if I did I am sure that they probably lie and say that they met on the main dancefloor at Heaven, which let's face it, is SOOO much better!
So in my desperation (actually it was a friend - you know who you are (!) - that bought brought my attention to it, or rather "reminded" me) I have subscribed to Gaydar. Now for those of you who are uninitiated into the murky, lascivious world of gay internet dating, there are two things you should know:
The first is that it is murky.
The second is that it is lascivious.
In the twenty four hours that I have had my profile up on the site I have been "viewed" (at the time of writing this) 153 times. I have been messaged by interested parties fifteen times. Out of those fifteen only one was cute. All the rest were the kind of people who describe themselves as "Abercrombieboy". Your initial instinct is to conjure up a buff Bruce Weber model in ripped cargo pants and nothing else. Disappointment quickly ensues.
Then there are those who seem to be nice enough at first glance, but then on further investigation have dropped the word "fisting" into their list of interests. Er...no thanks.
And then there are the guys who look married (and, no, I am not into that. Married men, who are probably gay, tend to have rather obvious commitment issues) and those that are for want of a better descriptor, gross. We're talking about back hair. Of a length that could be platted.
So twenty four hours later I am thinking that I should unsubscribe. I can't think of anyone who met their life partner on line. I mean there must be some couples out there, but I've never met any. Although if I did I am sure that they probably lie and say that they met on the main dancefloor at Heaven, which let's face it, is SOOO much better!
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Lady M's Pleasure Death
Scene 1
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
What a strange weekend I had. Started off on Friday night with a party thingamijig at the Architects Association in Bedford Square. It was a tented do where you could but bottles of German "champagne" for about £14. So I did. Twice. Proceeded to get extraordinarily drunk and embarrass myself by whispering "Touch pas ma Chat" into the ear of anyone willing to hear.
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
Friday, July 09, 2004
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Big Bother
Tonight my friend Will (I could say ex-boyfriend, but that sounds so horrible) is going to enter the US Big Brother house in Los Angeles. He will be up against seven other men and seven women to win the $500,000 grand prize - if he stays in until the end, at the back end of September.
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Monday, July 05, 2004
Friday, July 02, 2004
Hot Gossip
So the last two jokes that I posted were actually from Popbitch - a down and dirty celebrity gossip bulletin that I get sent every week. It's the kind of stuff that gentile "Heat" readers would balk at - e.g. shots of Dane Bowers having a wank. Nice.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
Another lewd joke!
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly open, holding a steering wheel that's fastened to his cock.
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
Lewd Joke
I'll be back later for a proper entry but I had to first bring attention to this fabulous joke...
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
Naan-tonio Banderas!
Christina Sioux Sexy!
Bi-Becki romped with two BB men...and a woman!
Just a sample of some of the headlines featured in today's "The Sun" newspaper. I particularly like the last one. At least that fact that the new Big Brother housemate's sexuality is actually relevant to the news story.
What I really hate, and find kind of offensive, is the sensational way that the UK tabloids make reference to certain celebrities by their sexuality - "Camp Marco", "Transexual Nadia!", "Gay-le Winton!", etc. You never hear of Sol Campbell being referred to as "Straight-Sol", or Prince Harry as "Hetero-Harry" do you?
I couldn't help but wonder...if I were famous (more famous than I am already) - how would I be referred to by the British hacks?
"Camp Chris in Coke Fuelled Sex Binge!"
"Kinky Kinsey in Gay Gang-Bang Shocker!"
"Bum Bandit Chris in dirty dyke fight!"
Hmmm...I actually quite like this! Apart from the horror it would cause to my poor mum, dad and grandparents.
"'My shame!' - Gay Chris's mother speaks out"
Christina Sioux Sexy!
Bi-Becki romped with two BB men...and a woman!
Just a sample of some of the headlines featured in today's "The Sun" newspaper. I particularly like the last one. At least that fact that the new Big Brother housemate's sexuality is actually relevant to the news story.
What I really hate, and find kind of offensive, is the sensational way that the UK tabloids make reference to certain celebrities by their sexuality - "Camp Marco", "Transexual Nadia!", "Gay-le Winton!", etc. You never hear of Sol Campbell being referred to as "Straight-Sol", or Prince Harry as "Hetero-Harry" do you?
I couldn't help but wonder...if I were famous (more famous than I am already) - how would I be referred to by the British hacks?
"Camp Chris in Coke Fuelled Sex Binge!"
"Kinky Kinsey in Gay Gang-Bang Shocker!"
"Bum Bandit Chris in dirty dyke fight!"
Hmmm...I actually quite like this! Apart from the horror it would cause to my poor mum, dad and grandparents.
"'My shame!' - Gay Chris's mother speaks out"
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Only Gay Man in the Village
Not much time today for a proper blog entry (all day global strategy meeting for a client, yah?), so instead I will leave you all with this. Worth watching through to the end!
(For the Americans among you - this is from a TV show called Little Britain...cult gay viewing in the UK!!!)
Cheerio!
PS: Did anyone see that documentary on Channel 4 last night about that freaky kid who used to be an antiques expert at 10 years old and is now a transexual living in Wales? Brilliant TV!
(For the Americans among you - this is from a TV show called Little Britain...cult gay viewing in the UK!!!)
Cheerio!
PS: Did anyone see that documentary on Channel 4 last night about that freaky kid who used to be an antiques expert at 10 years old and is now a transexual living in Wales? Brilliant TV!
Monday, June 28, 2004
Um, er...
I get a huge amount of satisfaction from dressing down the suppliers that we use when they fuck up. I just got a cue sheet from a company that we are using to pitch a story to radio stations. The accompanying email asked that I obtain client approval within three and a half hours!
Joy! Now all of the general Monday morning frustration I have been feeling has been vented via an extremely patronising response - "approval in three and a half hours? Silly man!" Actually I didn't write that exactly but made it abundantly clear that I don't take well to receiving stupid approval requests!!! I guarantee that there are few PRs in this world who can get client approval in less than 24 hours!
Unless you work in PR you won't really appreciate all of that. But it leads me on to today's theme - why can't I ever construct a really catty response when I am put on the spot, in person? I can write the perfect put down email - not too bitchy, sly or aggressive...just condescending enough to make the recipient feel like a prize turnip. But on the spot? Nothing. I start to stammer and feel hot and my head races. And it is only when I walk away that the perfect response forms in my mind.
Wouldn't it be nice to be calm and collected and sufficiently self aware to respond to anything thrown at you? To be like Rebecca Loos? I only suggest her because it would have been nice to shag David Beckham as well as being articulate.
My friend Drew has a great put down (which he has, I might add, used on me, the bastard)...
Hint of a sympathetic smile, index finger to lips and...
"Shhh..."
Quote of the day...
"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved."
Marcus Antonius
And question of the day...
This weekend is London's gay pride march and festival. I am wondering - should I form and lead "Fags on Skateboards" to upsurp "Dykes on Bykes". It is probably the only way that I can get access to a cute gay skater dude.
Joy! Now all of the general Monday morning frustration I have been feeling has been vented via an extremely patronising response - "approval in three and a half hours? Silly man!" Actually I didn't write that exactly but made it abundantly clear that I don't take well to receiving stupid approval requests!!! I guarantee that there are few PRs in this world who can get client approval in less than 24 hours!
Unless you work in PR you won't really appreciate all of that. But it leads me on to today's theme - why can't I ever construct a really catty response when I am put on the spot, in person? I can write the perfect put down email - not too bitchy, sly or aggressive...just condescending enough to make the recipient feel like a prize turnip. But on the spot? Nothing. I start to stammer and feel hot and my head races. And it is only when I walk away that the perfect response forms in my mind.
Wouldn't it be nice to be calm and collected and sufficiently self aware to respond to anything thrown at you? To be like Rebecca Loos? I only suggest her because it would have been nice to shag David Beckham as well as being articulate.
My friend Drew has a great put down (which he has, I might add, used on me, the bastard)...
Hint of a sympathetic smile, index finger to lips and...
"Shhh..."
Quote of the day...
"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved."
Marcus Antonius
And question of the day...
This weekend is London's gay pride march and festival. I am wondering - should I form and lead "Fags on Skateboards" to upsurp "Dykes on Bykes". It is probably the only way that I can get access to a cute gay skater dude.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Daniel
When I was seventeen my best friend was this boy I went to sixth form with. His name was Daniel and he had shoulder length mousey hair, a quirky sense of humour and a smile that could light up the room. I thought he was magnificent!
Daniel was my first proper crush. Up until that point the only outlet my confused, teenage sexuality had was through staring at pictures of Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. There was never anything overtly sexual about the situations running through my mind - it was never wank fantasy stuff - just a feeling that I would be happy to just lie in his arms for a few minutes or even eternity.
My first physical encounter with a man is probably one of my most memorable, and not because it was sexual. It was because it was about an intimate closeness that was never really discussed. Forbidden, yet at the same time perfectly natural and understood.
One day I drove Daniel back to his house in Dilton Marsh and he seemed kinda down in the dumps. As we pulled up to the front of his house he turned to me and announced that he had ended his relationship with Emma, his girlfriend at the time. Again, teenage confusion exploded inside my head. That means I could have more of him, that he was more mine, that we could spend more time together. And then, "is he trying to tell me something else?" Externally I remained cool and said something like "I will always be there for you." At which point Daniel smiled and said the words...
"Can I hug you?"
Now these days that question would not phase me in the slightest, coming from anyone. I am a very tactile person and can even quite happily fall asleep in the same bed as a friend and spoon one another, with no misunderstandings about what it means. But at that point in my life I had had no physical contact with another man, ever. My father and I were not close when I was growing up, so hugging another man was just never on the cards.
So, in answer to Daniel's question, I said "yes" and we hugged. I can't remember for how long, but to this day I can still remember that feeling of completeness and how my heart flipped. I felt somehow whole. I have had that feeling with only two men since. We are told that it shouldn't be up to another person to complete your life, but in moments like the one I shared with Daniel it's hard to imagine why not.
Daniel and I never went any further than that hug. We both went to university and over the years we lost contact. I know that he became an actor and if you Google his name you can see that he was in a play called "Bodies in Flight". I think he lives in Poland. I once painted an Oscar statuette for him with the words "The first of many" written on the back. I wonder if he still has it?
Sometimes when I am smoking a cigarette I draw in the smoke and hold it in my lungs. I imagine it just sitting there in the warm darkness inside my body until it makes me feel claustrophobic at which point I exhale.
Daniel was my first proper crush. Up until that point the only outlet my confused, teenage sexuality had was through staring at pictures of Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. There was never anything overtly sexual about the situations running through my mind - it was never wank fantasy stuff - just a feeling that I would be happy to just lie in his arms for a few minutes or even eternity.
My first physical encounter with a man is probably one of my most memorable, and not because it was sexual. It was because it was about an intimate closeness that was never really discussed. Forbidden, yet at the same time perfectly natural and understood.
One day I drove Daniel back to his house in Dilton Marsh and he seemed kinda down in the dumps. As we pulled up to the front of his house he turned to me and announced that he had ended his relationship with Emma, his girlfriend at the time. Again, teenage confusion exploded inside my head. That means I could have more of him, that he was more mine, that we could spend more time together. And then, "is he trying to tell me something else?" Externally I remained cool and said something like "I will always be there for you." At which point Daniel smiled and said the words...
"Can I hug you?"
Now these days that question would not phase me in the slightest, coming from anyone. I am a very tactile person and can even quite happily fall asleep in the same bed as a friend and spoon one another, with no misunderstandings about what it means. But at that point in my life I had had no physical contact with another man, ever. My father and I were not close when I was growing up, so hugging another man was just never on the cards.
So, in answer to Daniel's question, I said "yes" and we hugged. I can't remember for how long, but to this day I can still remember that feeling of completeness and how my heart flipped. I felt somehow whole. I have had that feeling with only two men since. We are told that it shouldn't be up to another person to complete your life, but in moments like the one I shared with Daniel it's hard to imagine why not.
Daniel and I never went any further than that hug. We both went to university and over the years we lost contact. I know that he became an actor and if you Google his name you can see that he was in a play called "Bodies in Flight". I think he lives in Poland. I once painted an Oscar statuette for him with the words "The first of many" written on the back. I wonder if he still has it?
Sometimes when I am smoking a cigarette I draw in the smoke and hold it in my lungs. I imagine it just sitting there in the warm darkness inside my body until it makes me feel claustrophobic at which point I exhale.
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