Astrobollocks

When I moved to NYC, from the moment I stepped off the plane, I would be asked a specific question a lot:

American - “So tell me buddy - what’s your star sign?”

Me - "Libra." Pause. "Can I have sex with you now?"

Infact, I was asked so frequently and in every type of situation (at work, in bars, in the police station holding cell) that I started to question how my star sign hadn’t featured more prominently in my US visa application.

This morning, in a cab on the way to a meeting with a magazine journalist, my exec Gillian asked me what star sign I was. ”Libra*/**,” I told her. “But I don’t actually take heed of such nonsense.” She asked why, so I explained.

Think about this – astrology is based on the position of the planets and stars in the night sky, right? Well, for a start we all know that the stars we see no longer exist. What we see is just light which has taken literally millions of years to reach us. By the time we see the light the poor star has given up all hope of being noticed and has imploded on itself and for a moment created a black hole which was followed by nothingness. Or maybe something. I don’t really know. I’ve never seen it happen. But spare a thought for the star - once a supernova, never a heavenly body. Poor thing. And so much competition and size issues to deal with. Some stars, such as our Sun, are very smug because the world revolves around them.

There is also the fact that, because of their position, species 505ZA, who inhabit Versace Prime in the Spottiswoode system (approximately 578.26 trillion billion gazillion miles due south-west of Earth), have a very different perspective of the night sky. No Dipping Spoon or Great White Porcupine for them. So, presumably, there are no 505ZA Scorpios?

But does that mean that they have a completely different set of astrological signs? Maybe they do. But then who really cares when species 505ZA are more famous for eating their toenail clippings than for being guided by celestial bodies (you know I was once told that I have a celestial body, blah, blah, blah...)

Finally, what about all these extra planets that keep being discovered every few years? How do they fit in?

In summation I told Gillian that basing ones personal quirks and foibles on a random pattern which...

a) technically isn’t there anymore
b) shifts depending upon ones position within our solar system and in the Universe

...is to me a little astro-illogical. Then, of course, there is the other fact, which is that I am the most contradictory Libran to ever walk the Earth. I am not at all indecisive and I can be incredibly undiplomatic. But I am an incurable romantic and I am a stickler for surrounding myself with beautiful, graceful things. For example, all of my friends are extremely beautiful and graceful. Well, except for Drew, who is always breaking his jaw and stuff.

Eventually I finished my rambling small rant and Gillian looked at me and nodded in such a considered manner that I knew she had completely understood and now agreed with me. Finally! I had enlightened someone to the inherent ridiculousness behind astrology!

“Christopher, do you think the journalist will be interested in featuring teacups in the magazine?”

So often I am brutally reminded that cerebral thought of any kind is resoundingly absent from my chosen profession.

*September 27th. Should any of you wish to send me cash donations I would be happy to email you my bank details. Er...please?

** Here’s a little factoid to help you make friends and generally be a better person – Libra is the only astrological sign to be symbolically represented by something non-sentient (scales). The jury is still out as to whether Crabs are sentient, but I once heard that they “scream” when dropped in boiling water, so perhaps they are. Or was it Lobsters?