Attn: Barbara Broccoli - Eon Productions

Re: Suggested treatment for new 007 movie

Dear Ms. Broccoli

As I have been a fan of his for many years now, I am very excited to learn that Golden Globe winner and Oscar nominee, Clive Owen, is being considered to replace Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, 007. I was also interested to learn that Eon Productions and Sony Pictures are keen to make some changes to the Bond formula, bringing the franchise up to date.

With this in mind, coupled with the possibility that Owen may be starring in the new vehicle, I have penned a suggested treatment. Once you have read it I would be very keen to hear your thoughts. Please find the treatment outlined below.

Yours sincerely

Christopher Esq.


WORKING TITLE - BOND 21

Introduction
Through the barrel of a gun, we observe Bond (Clive) - shirtless, toned and sweaty - walking across a white background. He spins around to face us and with a few choice put-downs really hurts the feelings of the unseen villain holding the gun. Big, fat tears roll down the screen.

The opening sequence
Bond attends a fabulous leather-themed South Beach circuit party. After intercepting a seemingly innocuous microchip from a dead leather-daddy in a backroom Bond avoids certain death at the hands of an evil henchman who goes by the name Thrust. Unaware that this will not be the last time he will encounter Thrust, Bond escapes out to sea in a small pod helmed by a beautiful, blonde, buff secret service hottie. Bond cracks open the Bollinger and proceeds to make a proper seaman out of the hottie. By fucking him.

The title sequence
Kylie croons the movie's theme-tune while dancing, flexing, naked muscle boys, S&M paraphernalia and grooming products float artily around the screen.

Bond is briefed by M
In the early hours of the morning Bond staggers out of Crash in London's Vauxhall and walks the twenty or so yards across the road to MI6 where Thruppencehalfpenny (Orlando Bloom) and Bond exchange several unsubtle innuendos about the tightness of Bond's clubwear. Because this is gay 007, they make good on the innuendos by actually fucking. They are impatiently interrupted by M (still Judy Dench) who buzzes through on the intercom. After Bond compliments a delighted M on her fierce Thierry Mugler suit, M explains to Bond that the leather-daddy he procured the microchip from was an employee of a famous French haute couture fashion designer called Max De Cherrypop and that the chip is one of two stolen from the US government – they can control an array of secret space weapons, each capable of immense mass destruction. Before Bond sets off on his mission M sternly gives him a warning. "Don't do too much bumming, 007."

Bond collects his gadgets
Bond visits the MI6 dungeon and receives the latest gadgets from Q (Ian McKellan). Q kits Bond out with a pink iPod Mini (which explodes after playing 60 seconds of Diana Ross's Chain Reaction), a retro Keith Haring Swatch (which can create a tear in the very fabric of space time) and a pack of condoms (which can prevent communicable diseases present in bodily fluids being exchanged through anal sex). Bond cracks a rubbish joke. Q tells him to stop being so immature.

Bond heads out
After seeing Bond's plane touch down, we are treated to panoramic views of the exotic location of Mykonos, all set to a classical version of the Kylie soundtrack.

Bond meets the villain
Bond attends a fabulous white-themed circuit party at the beachfront home of Max De Cherrypop (Richard Gere, adopting a thoroughly convincing French accent). Max immediately spots Bond and makes a beeline for him. A breathtakingly cute waiter passes by and Bond orders a drink. "Cosmopolitan on the rocks. Not frozen." Bond and Max exchange loaded comments that suggest neither one trusts the other. But they fuck anyway.

Bond uncovers some information
Bond snoops (wearing only a pair of tighty-whities) and locates Max's secret study and stylish Apple computer system. He instantly gains access to heavily encrypted computer files and deduces that Max has the second stolen microchip and is in control of the US government owned space weapons. He also discovers that they are set to fire at gay villages across the globe, including West Hollywood, Chelsea and Old Compton Street. Bond is vexed. Max seemed quite gay when Bond was bumming him a couple of hours ago. Why would he want to kill his fellow gayers?

Bond meets the Bond Boy
An intruder interrupts Bond from pondering the extent of Max's insane plan. After an extended and impressive Kung Fu and wrestling fight sequence both Bond and intruder end up on the floor, panting heavily. Bond is surprised to see that the intruder is the breathtakingly cute waiter from the circuit party (played by Adam Brody). After a heated and highly flirtatious discussion (and another wrestle) Bond learns that the waiter is actually a CIA spy called Lucky Bender. Lucky has been assigned to find out who it was who stole the prototype microchip and get it back. Lucky asks our hero who he is and 007 gets to utter the immortal line, "Bond. James Bond." Realising that they are on the same side they pledge allegiance to one another. Then they fuck.

Bond and Lucky get into a fight
Bond and Lucky attempt to escape Max's beachfront mansion. Lucky urges caution but Bond is too cocky and barely escapes the violent advances of several tweaked out muscle daddies. Lucky shouts "James! Be careful!" a lot.

Bond drives fast
Bond and Lucky procure a bright red Jeep Wrangler and an extended chase scene occurs involving incredible stunts and wanton destruction. Lucky "tuts" and rolls his eyes a lot because Bond is driving irresponsibly. Bond pulls over and they have their first argument.

Bond and Lucky find Max's secret base
Despite having no hard facts or solid information Bond and Lucky deduce that Max's secret base is hidden inside a remote mountain in Guatemala. To get to the base Bond and Lucky must hike through thick rainforest, wearing only Abercrombie cargo pants and practical yet stylish hiking boots. Both lament the fact that it is unlikely that there will be a fabulous, themed circuit party awaiting them at their destination. As they struggle on through the dense foliage we get to see lovingly extended shots of their sweaty torsos and arms.

Bond battles Max's dogs
Max sees Bond and Lucky enter the secret base on CCTV and sets his muscle daddies on them. Bond and Lucky are captured and Lucky is put into a sling. Rather than just killing him outright, Max leaves Bond to die a certain death by being eaten alive by Max's vicious sharpeis, in a deep pit from which there is no escape. Max continues with his plans but not before telling Bond his motive. It turns out that the gay boys of the world, a notoriously fickle bunch, have stopped buying Max De Cherrypop fashions in favour of more critically acclaimed designers. Therefore Max has decided that all gays must die. Bond says "But they are your brothers!" to which Max responds by laughing like the crazed lunatic that he is.

Bond escapes
Bond tries to blow the sharpeis up with the iPod, but he can't figure out how to use it and ends up playing Jennifer Lopez by mistake, which just pisses the sharpeis off even more. Lucky shouts out to Bond that he should use the retro Keith Haring Swatch to go back in time, which Bond does.

Bond creates an army
Bond goes to DTPM and rounds up a bunch of gayers to assist him in the vicious battle against Max's evil henchmen. Upon confronting the muscle daddies and seeing their really dated Max De Cherrypop outfits, Bond's gay army burst into peals of laughter, which makes the muscle daddies really embarrassed. Eventually Max's men are pacified when Bond's army stops laughing and offers some practical, sensible fashion advice. Realising they have been duped by Max they remove the unfashionable garbs until they are naked. Some of Bond's men and Max's men start getting it on.

Bond wins
Bond rescues Lucky and the two of them remotely disable the array of space weapons by destroying the stolen microchip. Then they take on Max who is now alone. Lucky strains his shoulder, which has been playing up ever since he fell off the climbing wall at Crunch. Bond takes on Max alone. After an extended fight scene Bond finally has Max cornered and threatens to shoot him. Max tells Bond that he knows he won't shoot because after they fucked Bond told Max that he loved him. Bond says that he only said that because he was tweaking out on X. Max dies of a broken heart. Bond sheds a single tear.

Max's secret base avoids destruction
Bond finds Lucky who has miraculously recovered from his shoulder strain. Bond wants to destroy the secret base, but Lucky convinces him not to because an interior designer has obviously gone to a lot of effort to make the base look pretty and the lighting is very flattering. Bond agrees and rigs his iPod Mini up to the computer system and everyone has a fabulous secret-base themed circuit party.

Final battle with Thrust
Thrust reappears. He is upset at Bond for killing Max by breaking his heart, as Max was Thrust's mentor and they also used to have quite a lot of hot sex. Bond and Thrust fight, but Thrust gets the better of Bond and starts to throttle him, muttering "Bitch!" a lot, under his breath. Bond escapes a certain death when Lucky shoots Thrust in the back of the head.

Max's secret base is destroyed anyway
Just as we think the action and suspense is over, the iPod starts playing Chain Reaction and Bond still can't figure out how to operate it properly. Bond manages to evacuate everyone from the base but suddenly Bond and Lucky become trapped by a large piece of rigging and realise that they might die. Bond notices Max's escape pod and he and Lucky buckle themselves in. With a few seconds to spare they are blasted through the top of the secret mountain base. Beneath them we see the mountain explode.

Bond is located
Back in the MI6 dungeon M asks Q to locate Bond's whereabouts. Q patches in to a surveillance satellite and zooms it's sights into a section of ocean. Eventually we see Bond and Lucky on a life raft. They are fucking. "What is 007 doing?" enquires M, to which Q dryly responds, "I'm not sure ma'am, but it would appear that he's getting lucky."

JAMES BOND WILL RETURN!