Monday, April 18, 2005

The Rules of Conclave (revised 2005)

I think I've already admitted to having read Angels & Demons. Therefore I have joined the millions of people, worldwide, who now think they are experts on the rules of conclave - the ceremony of picking a new Pope - which starts today.

The biggest problem as far as I can see it is that the first rule of conclave decrees that the nominees must be of a certain age, i.e. old gits, which naturally skews the outcome, ensuring that the new spiritual leader will more than likely be an evil, fascist, homophobic, woman hating pontiff. And that would be very bad.

So I've changed the rules of conclave and the criteria for selecting the new Pope. Vatican City / Cardinals, please take note:

1. The first rule of conclave is that no one talks about conclave.

2. The Pope must be able to stick his hands into a burning fire. I figure that when the End of Days arrives and the Popester has to go all Yoda on the Devil's ass he's going to have to be just a little bit flame retardant.

3. The Pope must denounce horoscopes as a form of heresy and state that followers will go to Hell.

4. The Pope needs to be able to admit that Jesus was a bit of a hottie. I'm not saying the Pope should be gay. I'm just saying that he should be confident enough with that side of his sexuality to be able to make that admission.

5. The Pope should be gay.

6. The Pope must agree to have the glass-roofed Popemobile pimped up by Xzibit and his playas and renamed the Pimpmobile. It is important that The Pope is seen cruisin' the world's streets in style - and by that I mean in a shady, ultraviolet, bouncing, blingin' pimp ride.

7. And while we're on the subject, the Pope totally needs to sex up the communion chalice. The wine is supposed to represent the blood of Christ, for Christ's sake! I think a little added bling is definitely in order here.

8. The Pope isn't allowed to get bored during services. He's not allowed to de-pill his holy frock or stick Sellotape on the back of his hand and then pull it off. No weird ass Popes, please.

9. Simon Cowell must serve as his personal secretary and constantly tell the Pope what a truly terrible Pope he really is. This will help to ensure that the Pope's ego doesn't get too big. It also means that when the Pope dies, Simon will, for a few days, be the Camerlengo and we'll get to see him doing St.Peter's Square Idol ("I can say with all honesty that was the worst mass rendition of Venite Fedeli I have ever heard.")

10. The Pope has to admit that Marissa and Alex make much more sense that Marissa and Ryan ever did. The storyline is progressive and Alex is one majorly hot Lesbian . And since the first season Ryan has become a total dork.

11. Dries Van Noten must be appointed to redesign the Swiss Guard uniform and Tom Ford to redesign the wardrobe of the Pontiff.

12. The Pope must do the moonwalk every time he visits any country or city. Just think how awesome it would be if the Pope reaches the bottom of the steps of his plane and instead of kissing the ground just moonwalks across the tarmac? Imagine the cheers from the people!

So - if conclave follows these simple rules we'll have ourselves one kick ass Pope. It would be great if he also had powers, such as being able to form a ball of pink electricity in his palm at will and throw it at things. But I realise this is a tall order, so it's not a dealbreaker.

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