...or so the saying goes (I think that was a Sarah Michelle Gellar quote from Cruel Intentions).
So in my desperation (actually it was a friend - you know who you are (!) - that bought brought my attention to it, or rather "reminded" me) I have subscribed to Gaydar. Now for those of you who are uninitiated into the murky, lascivious world of gay internet dating, there are two things you should know:
The first is that it is murky.
The second is that it is lascivious.
In the twenty four hours that I have had my profile up on the site I have been "viewed" (at the time of writing this) 153 times. I have been messaged by interested parties fifteen times. Out of those fifteen only one was cute. All the rest were the kind of people who describe themselves as "Abercrombieboy". Your initial instinct is to conjure up a buff Bruce Weber model in ripped cargo pants and nothing else. Disappointment quickly ensues.
Then there are those who seem to be nice enough at first glance, but then on further investigation have dropped the word "fisting" into their list of interests. Er...no thanks.
And then there are the guys who look married (and, no, I am not into that. Married men, who are probably gay, tend to have rather obvious commitment issues) and those that are for want of a better descriptor, gross. We're talking about back hair. Of a length that could be platted.
So twenty four hours later I am thinking that I should unsubscribe. I can't think of anyone who met their life partner on line. I mean there must be some couples out there, but I've never met any. Although if I did I am sure that they probably lie and say that they met on the main dancefloor at Heaven, which let's face it, is SOOO much better!
Christopher once did not have the strength, but then he found it and stopped blogging. Many years later he's lost some of that strength and has since started blogging once more on a quest to get it back (or is that strength in, and of, itself?). He'll consider carrying people on his shoulders across water for money, or for free if they're brutally hot.
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Lady M's Pleasure Death
Scene 1
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Scene opens. Camera moving through the grand parlor of miss agatha’s country manor and pans down to a dead female body on the floor.
Agatha someone finally took care of that bitch
Camera pans up to a smart looking older woman standing over the body
Agatha question is…..which bitch killed this bitch.
Scene 2
Agatha The murderer is here, in this room, but which one of you is the murderer in this room?
Heinrich I just came from winning twelve million dollars in monte carlo this weekend. What do you mean I can’t leave this house? After all is it Rosh Hashana?
Alexis Look! I told that bitch not to write that children’s book. I knew after seeing her filth in that Sag Harbor bookshop, that the bitch is finished.
Christina I told the bitch that I’d be back, Miss Honey, Miss Honey.
Alexis Look you twat! My name is not Miss Honey, twat! It’s Alexis de la Nuit! I am the CEO of fashion fury, so you better just watch that sweet ass of yours!
Agatha Now listen here! Christina, Alexis, Heinrich and even the maid Consualas despised Lady M w/ hatred absolute! She fucked all of you over at one time or another either stealing your money or your husbands and even your pool boys.
I realise that a lot of you hags are older than this pre fabricated house that was built in 1916 and that is pre fabricated.
Looks at wristwatch and kind of under her breath says…
Agatha Where is that cunt Consuelo with my Mai Tai? I told that bitch to have cocktails ready half and hour ago.
Looks graciously and voluptuously at her guests…
Agatha The Mai Tai’s will be here shortly. I hope you have settled into your weekend quarters. In the meantime lets get to the bottom of this. But before that, has anyone seen my pruning shears.
Vacant expressions from everyone
Agatha Well anyway! I am going to start with you…!
Points to Alexis
I am starting with you and I would like to know where you have been in the last hour!
Alexis All I know is that I was up in my room with my porter and at first glance into the grand bathroom of the master suite I spied a little white dildo. Imagine my surprise that Agatha had left dildos in each of the guest bathrooms. It was at that very moment that I heard someone shrill from the garden “Christina! Bring me the axe!”
Christina Well in my defense, as you all know, I am the queen of landscaping and home décor, and the gardener was calling me to help him trim Agatha’s bush….es…
Alexis Well I am just reporting what I heard bitch!
Christina Well! As for me I have just been going over your grounds Agatha and making changes to your bush…where I see fit! Because as we agreed earlier I am bringing my TV crew out here to film a segment from my yummy steamy TV show “How to Live Like Me!” and imagine my shock when I turned up today and saw how hideous this place is. Agatha – everything about you is dowdy and plain. So I have been frantically running around trying to get this place ready for prime time, bitch! And as I’ve told you before, tear down this bitch of a wall and put a window where it ought to be!!
Consuelo enters with the Mai-Tais.
Consuelo Buenos tardes senores. Dengo los Mai Tais.
Everyone gives vacant expressions
Consuela Soz! I fahgot I want in me ome land mexico, innit!!! What’s your poison luv!?
Agatha I we need to hear from you Consuela!? Where have you been in the last hour?
Consuela I have been playing volleyball in the backyard…au naturel! For the last half hour all I have had is balls flying in my face!
Agatha (Under her breath) That Lucky Bitch.
Christina Can we get on with this. The body is beginning to really smell bad.
Alexis No…that’s just the stench of your designer imposter perfume.
Christina Whatever! I’ve Had enough! I’m going to Hollywood!
Agatha Not so fast Miss Honey! I’m not through with you bitches just yet! (looking at Christina and Alexis) Now listen! Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dolls! It took me 15 years to get on top where I am and I’m not going to let some little hussy’s edge in on my terrain.
Heinrich What about Heinrich!
Agatha You are Heinrich, you bitch!
Heinrich Yes! So…(pauses, confused) what about me? Well, I have been in my vestibule feeling my wad with a dry martini. I am just a wealthy German industrialist, not a spiteful bitch like you 4 spiteful bitches.
Agatha crouches down next to the body and picks something up.
Agatha It is my belief, as a forensic scientist slash fashion stylist to the stars (aside, such as Nicole, Salma and The Olsen Twins) that this women has been (long pause) pleasured…..to death!!!
Heinrich Oh mein god! Are you saying that this was a death? By pleasure?
Alexis That bitch stole my dildo!
Christina Fidle dee dee!
Consuela Dios mios! Ah mean…fuckin pike!
Agatha But not…by her own hand!
Alexis Show us the evidence!
Agatha holds up a white dildo with blood on it and shows it to everyone!
Everyone responds according to character
Agatha It is my belief that Alexis had the most to gain from Lady M’s pleasure death!
Christina Oh No She Didn’t!!
Consuela But my lady she always use the cucumbers from when I come back from market.
Heinrich But that means nothing! We each had a dildo! How do we know who’s dildo was used on Lady M?
Agatha But if you look closely at your dildos, you will realise that they are brand new – each comes with a rotating shaft, multi speeds, and additional attachments. But Lady M was a woman of simple pleasures and her dildo was just a whittled down stump of wood. So this was NOT her dildo, which pleasured her to death!
Alexis I dare you, Agatha, to prove my guilt.. Just try you bitch!
Agatha OK! You accused Lady M of stealing your hand bag sized vibrator and you say that you were in your room unpacking your Luis Vuitton luggage.
Five hours later……
Agatha Now listen kiddies, this aint my first time at the rodeo. I want everyone in this room who’s concealing a dildo to whip it out. We’re gonna compare sizes….
Everyone pulls out “dildo” going around the room, Alexis pulls out a whittled piece of wood. Everyone GASPS!!!!
Christina Miss Honey! Miss Honey! I told the bitch that I was right! Miss Honey!
Alexis So, you found me out you bitches. But you all hated lady M as much as I did. And face it, your Happy that one of us took care of that bitch and we’re better off w/out her!!
Agatha Hhhhmmmm.. Good point!
(ponders this thought for a moment, then holding up her mai tai)
Agatha Heres to Alexis for taking care of that bitch, Lady M.
Everyone “To Alexis!!”
Fin
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
What a strange weekend I had. Started off on Friday night with a party thingamijig at the Architects Association in Bedford Square. It was a tented do where you could but bottles of German "champagne" for about £14. So I did. Twice. Proceeded to get extraordinarily drunk and embarrass myself by whispering "Touch pas ma Chat" into the ear of anyone willing to hear.
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
From the architects party I went to Shadow Lounge with some guy that I had only just met, but seemed nice enough, and we managed to put away a good few Vodka and Cokes. By this point I was pretty annoying actually and managed to do the head in of one of my other friends who will probably want to be left out of this one!
Spent Saturday moaning and groaning in bed, trying to wear the hangover off by drinking shed loads of water. Literally slept the whole day through!
Sunday got up about lunchtime feeling very sorry for myself, until Vix dragged me out of the house by my ear. Went to see Fahrenheittt 9/11 which is practically the most extraordinary film experience I have ever had. Three words:
George
Bush
Moron
Friday, July 09, 2004
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Big Bother
Tonight my friend Will (I could say ex-boyfriend, but that sounds so horrible) is going to enter the US Big Brother house in Los Angeles. He will be up against seven other men and seven women to win the $500,000 grand prize - if he stays in until the end, at the back end of September.
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Not that I am prejudiced or anything, but having checked out the other contestants biogs I really think that Will has one of the best shots at winning!
It's gonna be hard though to know everything he does and know exactly where he is for three months. I'm gonna miss him in the weirdest way. I'm gonna want to call him so badly to tell him to watch his back.
I started checking all these internet chat rooms and sites where he is discussed endlessly and I have to say that it also goes down as one of the weirdest experiences. It's like one of your best friends becoming famous and a little part of you questions how well you know him, when all these other people - who are of course perfect strangers - discuss him like a long lost friend. And all I want to do is shout "No! You don't know him! He's Will and he's great in a way that you will never see on TV!"
Fame is a strange thing - it does strange things to people. But I think that Will is one of the lucky ones who will walk in and be true to himself and come out with his head held high. And if he changes into a Z list celeb wanker I will beat him viciously with a wet fish!
So lets all give Will our best wishes as he goes down possibly the most colourful, yet twisted road he'll ever venture onto. Go...go...go...Will!!! But come back again!
Now the fact that he lied to me and told me that he was going on Survivor is a different matter altogether. He will pay dearly for that upon his return!!! ;)
Monday, July 05, 2004
Friday, July 02, 2004
Hot Gossip
So the last two jokes that I posted were actually from Popbitch - a down and dirty celebrity gossip bulletin that I get sent every week. It's the kind of stuff that gentile "Heat" readers would balk at - e.g. shots of Dane Bowers having a wank. Nice.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
This is the thing. I like to think of myself as a fairly together, secure, intelligent kinda guy. Sure, slightly neurotic with a penchant for blowing certain situations completely out of proportion, but on the whole well-rounded. So why do I eat up celebrity gossip and trash like it was going out of fashion - which it isn't. And the stupid thing is that these celeb magazines actively annoy me, but I keep going back for more.
The thing that really gets me going is when they make out that someone is ugly because named celeb flashed their knickers as they stepped out of a car, or that someone has cellulite, when you can see that the picture has been doctored in some way. I DON'T CARE! So why do I go back for more.
And why do I feel that it is my moral obligation to stick up for said celebrities as if I am some kind of celeb crusader. I really don't like most of them anyway. With the exception of Uma Thurman.
Anyway. I'm hungry.
Another lewd joke!
A pirate walks into a bar with his fly open, holding a steering wheel that's fastened to his cock.
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
The bartender says "Hey mate, you know you've got a steering wheel on your cock?"
"Aye," says the pirate, "it's been drivin' me nuts all day."
Sorry...
Lewd Joke
I'll be back later for a proper entry but I had to first bring attention to this fabulous joke...
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
Victoria Beckham has just broken the world Gang Bang record. In 120 minutes her shaved cunt fucked the whole country. (Boom - boom.)
(Yanks - reference to David Beckham kicking the ball wide of the goal during a European Soccer match)
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Extra! Extra! Read All About It!
Naan-tonio Banderas!
Christina Sioux Sexy!
Bi-Becki romped with two BB men...and a woman!
Just a sample of some of the headlines featured in today's "The Sun" newspaper. I particularly like the last one. At least that fact that the new Big Brother housemate's sexuality is actually relevant to the news story.
What I really hate, and find kind of offensive, is the sensational way that the UK tabloids make reference to certain celebrities by their sexuality - "Camp Marco", "Transexual Nadia!", "Gay-le Winton!", etc. You never hear of Sol Campbell being referred to as "Straight-Sol", or Prince Harry as "Hetero-Harry" do you?
I couldn't help but wonder...if I were famous (more famous than I am already) - how would I be referred to by the British hacks?
"Camp Chris in Coke Fuelled Sex Binge!"
"Kinky Kinsey in Gay Gang-Bang Shocker!"
"Bum Bandit Chris in dirty dyke fight!"
Hmmm...I actually quite like this! Apart from the horror it would cause to my poor mum, dad and grandparents.
"'My shame!' - Gay Chris's mother speaks out"
Christina Sioux Sexy!
Bi-Becki romped with two BB men...and a woman!
Just a sample of some of the headlines featured in today's "The Sun" newspaper. I particularly like the last one. At least that fact that the new Big Brother housemate's sexuality is actually relevant to the news story.
What I really hate, and find kind of offensive, is the sensational way that the UK tabloids make reference to certain celebrities by their sexuality - "Camp Marco", "Transexual Nadia!", "Gay-le Winton!", etc. You never hear of Sol Campbell being referred to as "Straight-Sol", or Prince Harry as "Hetero-Harry" do you?
I couldn't help but wonder...if I were famous (more famous than I am already) - how would I be referred to by the British hacks?
"Camp Chris in Coke Fuelled Sex Binge!"
"Kinky Kinsey in Gay Gang-Bang Shocker!"
"Bum Bandit Chris in dirty dyke fight!"
Hmmm...I actually quite like this! Apart from the horror it would cause to my poor mum, dad and grandparents.
"'My shame!' - Gay Chris's mother speaks out"
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Only Gay Man in the Village
Not much time today for a proper blog entry (all day global strategy meeting for a client, yah?), so instead I will leave you all with this. Worth watching through to the end!
(For the Americans among you - this is from a TV show called Little Britain...cult gay viewing in the UK!!!)
Cheerio!
PS: Did anyone see that documentary on Channel 4 last night about that freaky kid who used to be an antiques expert at 10 years old and is now a transexual living in Wales? Brilliant TV!
(For the Americans among you - this is from a TV show called Little Britain...cult gay viewing in the UK!!!)
Cheerio!
PS: Did anyone see that documentary on Channel 4 last night about that freaky kid who used to be an antiques expert at 10 years old and is now a transexual living in Wales? Brilliant TV!
Monday, June 28, 2004
Um, er...
I get a huge amount of satisfaction from dressing down the suppliers that we use when they fuck up. I just got a cue sheet from a company that we are using to pitch a story to radio stations. The accompanying email asked that I obtain client approval within three and a half hours!
Joy! Now all of the general Monday morning frustration I have been feeling has been vented via an extremely patronising response - "approval in three and a half hours? Silly man!" Actually I didn't write that exactly but made it abundantly clear that I don't take well to receiving stupid approval requests!!! I guarantee that there are few PRs in this world who can get client approval in less than 24 hours!
Unless you work in PR you won't really appreciate all of that. But it leads me on to today's theme - why can't I ever construct a really catty response when I am put on the spot, in person? I can write the perfect put down email - not too bitchy, sly or aggressive...just condescending enough to make the recipient feel like a prize turnip. But on the spot? Nothing. I start to stammer and feel hot and my head races. And it is only when I walk away that the perfect response forms in my mind.
Wouldn't it be nice to be calm and collected and sufficiently self aware to respond to anything thrown at you? To be like Rebecca Loos? I only suggest her because it would have been nice to shag David Beckham as well as being articulate.
My friend Drew has a great put down (which he has, I might add, used on me, the bastard)...
Hint of a sympathetic smile, index finger to lips and...
"Shhh..."
Quote of the day...
"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved."
Marcus Antonius
And question of the day...
This weekend is London's gay pride march and festival. I am wondering - should I form and lead "Fags on Skateboards" to upsurp "Dykes on Bykes". It is probably the only way that I can get access to a cute gay skater dude.
Joy! Now all of the general Monday morning frustration I have been feeling has been vented via an extremely patronising response - "approval in three and a half hours? Silly man!" Actually I didn't write that exactly but made it abundantly clear that I don't take well to receiving stupid approval requests!!! I guarantee that there are few PRs in this world who can get client approval in less than 24 hours!
Unless you work in PR you won't really appreciate all of that. But it leads me on to today's theme - why can't I ever construct a really catty response when I am put on the spot, in person? I can write the perfect put down email - not too bitchy, sly or aggressive...just condescending enough to make the recipient feel like a prize turnip. But on the spot? Nothing. I start to stammer and feel hot and my head races. And it is only when I walk away that the perfect response forms in my mind.
Wouldn't it be nice to be calm and collected and sufficiently self aware to respond to anything thrown at you? To be like Rebecca Loos? I only suggest her because it would have been nice to shag David Beckham as well as being articulate.
My friend Drew has a great put down (which he has, I might add, used on me, the bastard)...
Hint of a sympathetic smile, index finger to lips and...
"Shhh..."
Quote of the day...
"Consider how much more you often suffer from your anger and grief, than from those very things for which you are angry and grieved."
Marcus Antonius
And question of the day...
This weekend is London's gay pride march and festival. I am wondering - should I form and lead "Fags on Skateboards" to upsurp "Dykes on Bykes". It is probably the only way that I can get access to a cute gay skater dude.
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Daniel
When I was seventeen my best friend was this boy I went to sixth form with. His name was Daniel and he had shoulder length mousey hair, a quirky sense of humour and a smile that could light up the room. I thought he was magnificent!
Daniel was my first proper crush. Up until that point the only outlet my confused, teenage sexuality had was through staring at pictures of Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. There was never anything overtly sexual about the situations running through my mind - it was never wank fantasy stuff - just a feeling that I would be happy to just lie in his arms for a few minutes or even eternity.
My first physical encounter with a man is probably one of my most memorable, and not because it was sexual. It was because it was about an intimate closeness that was never really discussed. Forbidden, yet at the same time perfectly natural and understood.
One day I drove Daniel back to his house in Dilton Marsh and he seemed kinda down in the dumps. As we pulled up to the front of his house he turned to me and announced that he had ended his relationship with Emma, his girlfriend at the time. Again, teenage confusion exploded inside my head. That means I could have more of him, that he was more mine, that we could spend more time together. And then, "is he trying to tell me something else?" Externally I remained cool and said something like "I will always be there for you." At which point Daniel smiled and said the words...
"Can I hug you?"
Now these days that question would not phase me in the slightest, coming from anyone. I am a very tactile person and can even quite happily fall asleep in the same bed as a friend and spoon one another, with no misunderstandings about what it means. But at that point in my life I had had no physical contact with another man, ever. My father and I were not close when I was growing up, so hugging another man was just never on the cards.
So, in answer to Daniel's question, I said "yes" and we hugged. I can't remember for how long, but to this day I can still remember that feeling of completeness and how my heart flipped. I felt somehow whole. I have had that feeling with only two men since. We are told that it shouldn't be up to another person to complete your life, but in moments like the one I shared with Daniel it's hard to imagine why not.
Daniel and I never went any further than that hug. We both went to university and over the years we lost contact. I know that he became an actor and if you Google his name you can see that he was in a play called "Bodies in Flight". I think he lives in Poland. I once painted an Oscar statuette for him with the words "The first of many" written on the back. I wonder if he still has it?
Sometimes when I am smoking a cigarette I draw in the smoke and hold it in my lungs. I imagine it just sitting there in the warm darkness inside my body until it makes me feel claustrophobic at which point I exhale.
Daniel was my first proper crush. Up until that point the only outlet my confused, teenage sexuality had was through staring at pictures of Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. There was never anything overtly sexual about the situations running through my mind - it was never wank fantasy stuff - just a feeling that I would be happy to just lie in his arms for a few minutes or even eternity.
My first physical encounter with a man is probably one of my most memorable, and not because it was sexual. It was because it was about an intimate closeness that was never really discussed. Forbidden, yet at the same time perfectly natural and understood.
One day I drove Daniel back to his house in Dilton Marsh and he seemed kinda down in the dumps. As we pulled up to the front of his house he turned to me and announced that he had ended his relationship with Emma, his girlfriend at the time. Again, teenage confusion exploded inside my head. That means I could have more of him, that he was more mine, that we could spend more time together. And then, "is he trying to tell me something else?" Externally I remained cool and said something like "I will always be there for you." At which point Daniel smiled and said the words...
"Can I hug you?"
Now these days that question would not phase me in the slightest, coming from anyone. I am a very tactile person and can even quite happily fall asleep in the same bed as a friend and spoon one another, with no misunderstandings about what it means. But at that point in my life I had had no physical contact with another man, ever. My father and I were not close when I was growing up, so hugging another man was just never on the cards.
So, in answer to Daniel's question, I said "yes" and we hugged. I can't remember for how long, but to this day I can still remember that feeling of completeness and how my heart flipped. I felt somehow whole. I have had that feeling with only two men since. We are told that it shouldn't be up to another person to complete your life, but in moments like the one I shared with Daniel it's hard to imagine why not.
Daniel and I never went any further than that hug. We both went to university and over the years we lost contact. I know that he became an actor and if you Google his name you can see that he was in a play called "Bodies in Flight". I think he lives in Poland. I once painted an Oscar statuette for him with the words "The first of many" written on the back. I wonder if he still has it?
Sometimes when I am smoking a cigarette I draw in the smoke and hold it in my lungs. I imagine it just sitting there in the warm darkness inside my body until it makes me feel claustrophobic at which point I exhale.
Monday, June 21, 2004
New York on my mind...
It has been just over a month since I left the big apple. For the first few weeks my mind was on about three things and three things only - money, a roof over my head and a job.
Now that I have all three of those, my mind has begun to ponder on what I guess I will always call my home away from home. Especially my friends there. For those of you that read this, I miss you all so much and really hope to hear from you and see you all soon.
That's it for today...
Now that I have all three of those, my mind has begun to ponder on what I guess I will always call my home away from home. Especially my friends there. For those of you that read this, I miss you all so much and really hope to hear from you and see you all soon.
That's it for today...
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Bugger
I just had to turn down a two day trip in the French Alps because of my throat. I would have been running up hills and climbing trees and given that I am currently out of breath from running up the stairs...
Friday, June 18, 2004
I Can't.
Rough transcript of a conversation I just had with the company that has shipped my stuff over from the states (I am trying to arrange to have it delivered on Tuesday)...
Kelly: (Imagine a really stupid Essex girl accent) "Ello"
Me: (Imagine a really sexy, husky posh accent) "Hello. Is that Kelly?"
Kelly: "Yeah."
Me: "Oh, hi...hello. Now that my shipping has arrived at your warehouse I was wondering if I could arrange to have it delivered next Tuesday?"
Kelly: "Do you have your reference number?"
Me: "No - I'm afraid I lost the paperwork. I can give you all my other information, address and that kind of stuff"
Kelly: "I'll still need your reference number."
Me: "But I told you - I don't have it."
Kelly: "But we need it."
Me: "But I don't have it!"
Kelly: "Ok, then I suppose I'll need to do look it up myself."
Me: (incredulous) "Is that ok?"
On hold for about five minutes.
Kelly: "Ok. I have your reference number. To arrange delivery you'll need to pay the shipping fee first."
Me: "Ok, but can I pay by Solo?" (I know it's pikey, but I'm not allowed a Switch card yet cause I've been out of the country, alright?)
Kelly: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Kelly: "Because we don't accept Solo or Switch. Do you have a credit card?"
Me: "Not one that I can charge it to."
Kelly: "We need a credit card."
Me: "Could someone else call up with their credit card details to pay the fee?"
Kelly: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Kelly: "We just can't."
Me: "But I don't understand. Why does it matter who pays the bill? I'm trying to work with you here!"
Kelly: "We can only accept payment by credit card."
Me: (really losing my temper now) "Let me get this straight - there is no other way for me to pay except by credit card. Which I don't have. So how am I supposed to get my shipping?"
Kelly: "Well there is another way...you can do a bank transfer."
Me: "But you just said there wasn't another way, but ok."
We spend the next few minutes arranging the transfer details. I am finally getting somewhere now...
Me: "So when on Tuesday can you deliver?"
Kelly "We can't say. Anytime between 9am and 6pm."
Me: "..............."
Words...can't...describe...my anger. Heaving chest...flames...coming...out...of...the...side...of...my...face...
Going to Fiction tonight! Gonna dance my booty off!
Kelly: (Imagine a really stupid Essex girl accent) "Ello"
Me: (Imagine a really sexy, husky posh accent) "Hello. Is that Kelly?"
Kelly: "Yeah."
Me: "Oh, hi...hello. Now that my shipping has arrived at your warehouse I was wondering if I could arrange to have it delivered next Tuesday?"
Kelly: "Do you have your reference number?"
Me: "No - I'm afraid I lost the paperwork. I can give you all my other information, address and that kind of stuff"
Kelly: "I'll still need your reference number."
Me: "But I told you - I don't have it."
Kelly: "But we need it."
Me: "But I don't have it!"
Kelly: "Ok, then I suppose I'll need to do look it up myself."
Me: (incredulous) "Is that ok?"
On hold for about five minutes.
Kelly: "Ok. I have your reference number. To arrange delivery you'll need to pay the shipping fee first."
Me: "Ok, but can I pay by Solo?" (I know it's pikey, but I'm not allowed a Switch card yet cause I've been out of the country, alright?)
Kelly: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Kelly: "Because we don't accept Solo or Switch. Do you have a credit card?"
Me: "Not one that I can charge it to."
Kelly: "We need a credit card."
Me: "Could someone else call up with their credit card details to pay the fee?"
Kelly: "No."
Me: "Why not?"
Kelly: "We just can't."
Me: "But I don't understand. Why does it matter who pays the bill? I'm trying to work with you here!"
Kelly: "We can only accept payment by credit card."
Me: (really losing my temper now) "Let me get this straight - there is no other way for me to pay except by credit card. Which I don't have. So how am I supposed to get my shipping?"
Kelly: "Well there is another way...you can do a bank transfer."
Me: "But you just said there wasn't another way, but ok."
We spend the next few minutes arranging the transfer details. I am finally getting somewhere now...
Me: "So when on Tuesday can you deliver?"
Kelly "We can't say. Anytime between 9am and 6pm."
Me: "..............."
Words...can't...describe...my anger. Heaving chest...flames...coming...out...of...the...side...of...my...face...
Going to Fiction tonight! Gonna dance my booty off!
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Beef Curtains
So I was sat on our balcony this morning trying to coax myself out of sleep with a strong cup of coffee when I saw the weirdest thing.......a squirrel having a fight with a pidgeon! Honestly! The squirrel kept backing off but the pidgeon kept going for it. Isn't there something where you can write into The Times and report the first Robin of the year? I wonder if they would write about squizza / pidge fight club? Maybe not, because the first rule...etc.
Went to a meeting this morning in Hammersmith with Rich, Lucy and Jane and on the way back we all started having a filthy conversation about other words for, er, ladies downstairs bits - e.g. muff, beef curtains, flange, lettuce (I didn't get that last one).
Anyway, the conversation merged into our human resources manager drinking from the furry cup (lesbian) and then swiftly onto a radio programme I listened to the other day which was about the most offensive words in the English language. Number two was "cunt" (sorry ladies, but I LOVE this word, and I think you should empower yourselves by reclaiming it.) Of course the others wanted to know what the number one most offensive word was and because our cab driver was black and the word was "nigger" I had to make like I had forgotten, which they responded to in the negative by prodding me hard to remember. Anyway - I was blushing hard!
Before the cabbie drove off after dropping us off at work he leaned out of his window and told us that it had been one of the rudest jobs he had had in a long time and he was thoroughly looking forward to driving us again.
Nobody can do smut like the British.
Went to a meeting this morning in Hammersmith with Rich, Lucy and Jane and on the way back we all started having a filthy conversation about other words for, er, ladies downstairs bits - e.g. muff, beef curtains, flange, lettuce (I didn't get that last one).
Anyway, the conversation merged into our human resources manager drinking from the furry cup (lesbian) and then swiftly onto a radio programme I listened to the other day which was about the most offensive words in the English language. Number two was "cunt" (sorry ladies, but I LOVE this word, and I think you should empower yourselves by reclaiming it.) Of course the others wanted to know what the number one most offensive word was and because our cab driver was black and the word was "nigger" I had to make like I had forgotten, which they responded to in the negative by prodding me hard to remember. Anyway - I was blushing hard!
Before the cabbie drove off after dropping us off at work he leaned out of his window and told us that it had been one of the rudest jobs he had had in a long time and he was thoroughly looking forward to driving us again.
Nobody can do smut like the British.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
An Ounce of Pretention is Worth a Pound of Manure...
...or so the line goes - from one of my favourite movies, Steel Magnolias. And yes, for those of you who don't already know, I am a homosexual.
So I had a blog once before, but it died from neglect. Mainly because I forgot the login details during my transplant from New York to London. Silly me. But because some (two) of my friends said that the original Blog provided them with much mirth (one said it was Bridget Jones-like. I was actually going for Carrie Bradshaw, but ok), I have decided to 'revive' it.
And regarding the pretention reference, this is in reference to the title of my Blog. It was conceived in a moment of existential madness. But still...I pose the question to all my readers, and I encourage you to feed back to me, is anything really real?
Who cares. What you really want to hear about is...
What I had for lunch
My conquests
Stupid things my friends did
My point of view on pressing celebrity dilemmas
Who was at Fiction on Friday
How many press ups I can do at the gym (getting better by the day!)
What I think of Manchester United player, Christiano Ronaldo (phwoar)
I think I just made clear what I think of afore mentioned football player. Except his hair is crap. Yellow tipped highlights are SO October 2003.
And so on...
So I had a blog once before, but it died from neglect. Mainly because I forgot the login details during my transplant from New York to London. Silly me. But because some (two) of my friends said that the original Blog provided them with much mirth (one said it was Bridget Jones-like. I was actually going for Carrie Bradshaw, but ok), I have decided to 'revive' it.
And regarding the pretention reference, this is in reference to the title of my Blog. It was conceived in a moment of existential madness. But still...I pose the question to all my readers, and I encourage you to feed back to me, is anything really real?
Who cares. What you really want to hear about is...
What I had for lunch
My conquests
Stupid things my friends did
My point of view on pressing celebrity dilemmas
Who was at Fiction on Friday
How many press ups I can do at the gym (getting better by the day!)
What I think of Manchester United player, Christiano Ronaldo (phwoar)
I think I just made clear what I think of afore mentioned football player. Except his hair is crap. Yellow tipped highlights are SO October 2003.
And so on...
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