The fat lady has sung, or something like that

Jake and I are no more.

I met him at his office last night and we went back to his place. The plan was that we would have a quiet evening in, make some supper, watch a movie or something.

But as soon as I met him I could tell that there was something up. I asked him if he was alright and he kept saying yeah, but he seemed kinda sad regardless. We opened a bottle of wine and I did a lot of talking, telling him about my day: throwing up on the tube and a story about a client in Malaysia who hardly speaks any English. Still he seems kind of distant, which is unlike him because he usually has this way of listening to you, like you are the only person in the room.

Then just as I was mid-sentence talking about something inconsequential he blurts out “Chris, I can’t do this. I’m sorry but I just can’t do this.” I’m a bit taken aback but I say something like “Ok. It’s ok.”

He tries for a while to explain how he’s feeling but not really making any sense. So eventually I say that I don’t really understand what he’s trying to say. So then he just puts it on the line.

Basically Paris made him realise how much he likes me. He says that even though it’s only been just over two weeks since we met he can’t help how he feels. He says that he’s really starting to fall for me and that combined with the possibility, even though it’s not a dead cert, that I could be leaving means that he can’t allow himself to get more involved with me. He has to protect himself from being hurt further down the line.

I didn’t interrupt at all. I let him say his piece before I responded. I explained that I completely understood where he was coming from and if it were me I think that I would also have to do the same thing. Maybe it was for the best. After all one of the last things I want to do is hurt him. But I reiterated that meeting him was one of the best things to happen to me since I got back to London and that I was very, very fond of him and would always be glad that we met.

So we talk a bit more but with this kind of subject you can only discuss it to a point without covering the same thing over and over. Eventually I say that I'm going to go, to which he responds by asking me to stay one more night. I consider it but then say that I really think that’s probably a bad idea, cause this will all still be there in the morning.

So I get my stuff together, put my jacket on and we hug. And then I leave. Jesus! That is the hardest thing in the world! There should be no reason in the world that you should ever have to walk away from someone you care about. It just really sucks.

It’s not until I get outside and I’m walking towards the tube that it really hits me. I have known really for the last week that it probably wasn’t going to be a long term thing. He is truly one of the most amazing guys, and like I said, I am awfully fond of him. But there have been a few other nagging doubts in my head, aside from the New York thing. Yet still, for someone to tell you that they can’t be with you because they like you so much is kind of a weird one to hear. So I’ll admit that I had a little bit of a cry, but after a couple of minutes sorted myself out and went into the station to go home.

When I got back I sent him a short text saying that I would be here to call whenever he wanted. He didn’t respond but I don’t actually think that I was expecting that really. But it was still kinda sad, because up until that point I could guarantee that he would have responded in about ten seconds.

(After that I called Drew in New Zealand because he is wise and always knows the right thing to say. And as usual within about ten minutes we were gossiping and giggling like the true gay boys that we are. I LOVE YOU DREW! Come back home this instant. I'll even buy the ticket. Well, maybe not. But I'll meet you at the airport! What dya say? Huh? Huh?)

So another chapter closes. I'm not going to say that I'm not gutted, but I've had a night to sleep on it. The girls at work this morning, being girls (!), instantly knew there was something wrong and I have already had to explain things twice! But at the end of the day, this is the thing. It's not all bad. I’m sure that in a few days we’ll get back in touch again. And who knows, if I don’t get the job in NYC maybe we can pick up where we left off? Time will tell. More and more this year I’ve started to believe in fate and that if things are meant to be then they’ll happen. You have to turn a bad situation on it's head and like I keep saying, you have to keep the faith. Who knows what could happen in the future? If you told me a few months ago about Jake and how great he is and that he would really dig me I would have thought you were pulling my leg. So who knows what other cool stuff is going to happen in the coming months?

That’s what we have to keep reminding ourselves. It’s not that depressing really. In fact it’s actually pretty exciting. Life is full of this kind of stuff. Sometimes we just have to read between the lines and not stare at the sidewalk too much. It's like I wrote to someone yesterday, remember to look up and notice the world around you as you go through your day. And do it while listening to your bestest, most favorite uplifting song on your iPod!

And that's what I did this morning as I walked into work.